Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It's Not a Garment - It's DESTINY

First of all, what I'm going to tell you, very few people in the world know.  Not because it's this huge ugly secret, but more because it's proof that I am in fact completely barking mad koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs. In fact if I remember right, only two people know.  One of them is the love of my life.  The other is Tootsie. Wokka wokka wokka! Ah, I love the classics.

Anyway, here's the deal: I am a fat man, despite Waffles' protestations to the contrary.  And Waffles, buddy, you've never seen me naked, so I forgive your misconception. And since in the past I have been thinner, I have an entire closet full of clothes that are either too small or too big for me.  I have shirts with neck sizes from 17 to 18.5 inches. I have pants from 36 to 46 inch waists. 

But here's the big bucketful of crazy:  when I'm losing weight, as I am now, I will take an article of clothing that doesn't fit and keep it out, and try it on every odd day or so until it fits me and I can then do a dance of triumph - which, ironically enough, is done in the complete absence of clothing. For the last few weeks, I've been trying on a size 50 sport coat, waiting first for the day that I could button it, then for the day that I could button it without me looking like Curly, then finally the day that I could truly lay claim to the jacket actually fitting.

For all that time, that was my Jacket of Destiny.

I have a Shirt of Destiny too; it's a men's 2x.  They're close to fitting; they pull a little bit when I sit down but they should fit in a couple of weeks. My current Pants of Destiny are 40's; they'll take a little longer to fit, maybe a month or more.  Past experience tells me that once I hit that size, all the low-hanging fruit will have all fallen off, as it were, and the job becomes more difficult.  But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

The best thing about Clothes of Destiny isn't the day that they finally fit; it's remembering just how far away from fitting they were when you tried them on the first time.  When I started this little health thing, I tried on a pair of 40 inch pants - not only was I unable to button them but there was a good four inches between button and buttonhole, a width that I couldn't overcome with a winch and six pulleys. Now, even though no rational soul would suggest that the pants actually fit me, I can in fact button them - however ridiculous they look currently - and that's quite an encouraging sign.  Destiny, in fact. My brother Ross's birthday is a month from today; I'll post a picture of me in my current Pants of Destiny then, no matter if they fit me or not.

Because, to paraphrase Shakespeare and Moe Berg, the progress is the thing. 


12 comments:

  1. I find myself losing motivation in my weight-loss effort. Maybe I should pick out a tshirt and a pair of paints of destiny for myself. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

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  2. You know, Crank, a lot of times the effort of losing weight is so long, so tedious, and so slowly acknowledged that sometimes all you got is Clothes of Destiny to give you micro mile-markers. If you try it, let me know if it works.

    It would actually make me very happy to know that something that came out of the rat's nest between my ears came to help someone lose weight.

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  3. Interesting, I might have to adopt this as a way to try and get and stay motivated.

    I do have a few "shirts of destiny" that I keep telling myself "If I don't fit into this by next year they hit the trash"

    But yet, in my closet they still hang

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    1. If they become S's of D they'll have a whole new usefulness, and keeping them will have shifted from a by-product of laziness to a well-thought out stratagem for success...

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  4. Girls do this a lot Gary. We even purposely buy clothes to small in order to motivate us to lose that chub. It works to!

    Just last week I bought a pair of pants a size smaller than I was last month. Now I'm size sexier!

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  5. I can now wear shirts again that had become too small for me. I bought some new pants and can look in the mirror and say "Dang -- I am looking good." This weight loss stuff is pretty good!

    Best wishes for staying motivated.

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    1. Well people lose weight for two reasons, generally; to get or stay healthy, and narcissism. It's clear in your case it's a bit of both...in my life I have never looked in the mirror and said "dang, I am looking good" to my reflection, even when I wasn't ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

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  6. good luck man! Awesome job so far! You should be proud of yourself!!

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    1. Thanks man - but I'm only a few steps down a pretty long road; we'll see how things go by, say, July. Hopefully I'll be another 20 or 25 pounds down by then and I'll be beating the chicks off with a stick, and they'll just be beating me off.

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  7. My issue with the clothing of destiny is you're wearing stuff that hasn't been in style for at least a decade. I do remember a shirt of destiny of yours...*shudder*

    That being said, I wore some pants of destiny yesterday! NEW pants of destiny. ;)

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    1. I don't want to cast aspersions on your fashion sense, but let me just put these two words out there: GLAMOUR SHOT. I trust I needn't go further.

      Also, congrats on the pants of destiny. Those old pants were so roomy that you'd need to take two steps to move them.

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  8. I bought a too small pair of pants for Atlantic City and surprise, surprise, they were too tight to wear...but um....I'm wearing them RIGHT NOW and they are NOT too tight, all though the surely are not roomy in the back pocket area. ;)

    STFU about the Glamour Shot....now go put on that decades old Hawaiian shirt of destiny.

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