Thursday, March 1, 2012

I Hate the SI Swimsuit Issue

First of all, yes, I'm a man, a red-blooded man who likes women as much as the next guy* but seriously, what's the goddamn point of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?  I hate to put it so bluntly, but if someone wants to see good-looking women in varying states of undress, there are many places that person can go and find women with WAY fewer clothes on, and some of them are doing things that can only be described as awesome.  The pictures in the swimsuit issue are, at best, quaint. I can't believe the issue's popularity every year.


When I open my copy of SI, I want to read about SPORTS.  It's what the S in SI fucking stands for.  If I want to see pretty women, I'll hit the tubes and find a veritable smorgasbord of titillation and outright sexual provocation without even working hard, and yes, there's a pun in there.

The swimsuit issue is like a pair of bloomers:  they both used to be arousing, but they're both helplessly out of step with the times.  Hell, spank mags like Playboy are considered tame these days.  Seriously, who whacks it to Playboy anymore?  And the issue means no actual sports content for that week.  It's yet another minor suck - the cor anglais in the orchestra of my misery - the pickle to the shit sandwich that is my life these days. So here's a great big FUCK YOU to Sports Illustrated and its ridiculous attempt to titillate sports fans with half-dressed women.

In other news on the healthy eating front, Tootsie and I went food shopping earlier this evening.  Our local market had haddock on sale for $5.99 a pound, and we bought some and cooked it up for dinner.  It was FUCKING AWESOME.

Here's what we did, and before I tell you, bear in mind that it sounds a  little odd, and even a little indulgent, but it's really not either thing.  If we just baked the haddock, it would be kind of dry and not particularly interesting.  So Tootsie took one part greek yogurt and mixed it with one part mayonnaise, added a little ess and pee, seasoned it with basil (but really IMO should have gone with dill), and a liberal pinch of parmesan. We put the haddock, which was already filleted, in a glass baking pan and covered it about 1/8 inch with the goo, and baked at 400 for about 25 minutes, then turned on the broiler to give it a little color for about 6 minutes.  A few steamed greenie beanies on the side and boom, dinner with 10 minutes prep and 30 minutes cook time, that was unbelievably fucking yummy and so easy a gorilla like me could prepare it again, which we will.

Finally, denizens of New England do not need to be told that this has been one of the mildest winters in recent memory; it's snowed perhaps three times, after which the incredibly mild temperatures made quick work of the snow.

But today it snowed a decent amount, and as Tootsie and I went food shopping, the last throes of Winter bestowed a final gift to me: wet feet.  And I remembered just how miserable Winter can be, how many dry pairs of socks a fella can go through on a snowy day, and just how fortunate we've been this year that the snow has largely left us alone.  And now, just you watch:  now that I've taunted the gods of weather, it's going to snow eighteen times between now and midsummer.  FML.

So to sum up, SI's swimsuit issue is old and unfunny; baked haddock is bold and yummy, and Winter is cold and runny. Yeah, I know Winter isn't runny, but I needed it to rhyme.

* to my gay friends, please accept my apologies by the association of being a red-blooded man with being heterosexual; no offense intended but a fella just can't drop every idiom right away.


  1. It's funny how we can both come to the same conclusion about the swimsuit issue, but for entirely different reasons. I don't mind a bit of objectifying women now and then, but these models are the unsexiest stick figures on earth. Put some meat on that skin and bones!

    The halibut definitely sounds yummy.

    As a fellow denizen of NE, I have loved loved loved this winter. When I clear off the driveway today, it'll be only the 2nd time I've had to use the snow blower this winter.

    1. yeah, first time we've cooked fish in years. Turned out awesome. And re: stick figures, usually my fantasies with these women involve me swooping in to the photo shoot with a big platter of cheeseburgers and having them eat.

  2. yeah, when I was like 13 I loved it- now I haven't looked at one in well over a decade.
    Plus, I'm generally not attracted the the women they put in there.
    Yeah, skinny with boobs on exotic photo shoots - but I like my women to be chunkier than that most of the time.

    1. dude - re: chunkier women, I couldn't agree more. Women are supposed to be soft and squishy in all the right places. Nobody wants to cut themselves on a woman's hip bone.

  3. "added a little ess and pee".. I assume she did not pee on it... so what the heck is ess and pee? ooohh.. Salt and Peppah! GOT IT! LOL.

    Sound delicious!

    1. You are correct in that she didn't pee on any damn thing. I haven't even had a jellyfish sting, so that's out of the question too!

  4. The SISE It's just another one of those things that used to be awesome but has become obsolete and people still treat it like it's something special when it's really not anymore.

    Actually, you could say that about Sports Illustrated as a whole.

    1. Duggle, oh, I dunno about that; I read it cover to cover every week, except for the swimsuit issue. I wish they'd loosen up a bit though, maybe include a few expletives in their narratives...

  5. Ditto what DuggleBogey said about the swimsuit issue. I can't believe people even pay any attention to it anymore.

    It seems that SI now attracts more "mature" readers. I still look forward to receiving it in the mail each week and I have since I was young.

    I understood the ess and pee but was open to the thought that you just might be one of those guys who drinks his own urine.* Not my place to judge, or so someone once told me.

    * Patches O'Houlihan reference, of course

  6. Hey, it's legit semi porn for those characters who are too uptight or embarrassed to buy a copy of Playboy let alone check out anything worse. It's their cheap thrill, what can you say. For others it's a chance to ogle the skin of women that will never pose in any thing racier and then nudge their buddies and talk all about it with a nudge, nudge, wink wink attitude. It appeals to the LCD and that's what it was designed to do. Hell, give them their week, you got the other 51. (As with Survivor, American Idol and all that other appeal to the great unwashed crap I've seen one Swimsuit Edition and that was years ago in the doc's office. Hell I don't even read SI. Forget what he said but Dan Jenkin's had one of his characters in Semi Tough make a great remark about SI once. Something about it being sports writing for those who think stuff like synchonized swimming is a sport.)