Friday, May 30, 2014

Conversations with Rusty, Episode 4: Stone Walls Nor Iron Bars

ME: No, man.
RUSTY: Why not?
ME: No friggin way, are you kidding me?
RUSTY: Let me tell you something. Cats can't stay cooped up inside. We can only piss in sand for so long. A cat needs to feel grass under his feet.
ME: Well first of all you haven't pissed in sand in four months. You've decided to use the bathtub - where we clean our bodies - as your personal toilet. And we put up with that, because, I don't even know why, because we're half idiots, but we put up with it. But you are not going outside. That's all I need is for you to get run over because you think you can go up against a Buick.
RUSTY: I could take a Buick.
ME: See? That's what I mean. No going outside.
RUSTY: You know, Other Cat wants to go outside too.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: And no, she doesn't. She's happy to stay inside and bat the catnip frog around, maybe roll around in a shirt every now and again. You know, CAT STUFF.
RUSTY: "Maya" is a fool.
ME: No she's not! No she is not! She's a CAT. She doesn't argue with me! She doesn't try and convince me that Hitler lost the war because he was a dog guy!
RUSTY: So it's insults now, because I take a fresh approach to history?
ME: (sighs) All I'm saying is, you're not going outside. Maya is not going outside. You are staying inside.
RUSTY: You know, the fanciest prison in the world is still a prison.
ME: Just stop it.
RUSTY (walking away): Noboooody knows... the trouble I've seen.....