Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Conversations With Rusty

I have started a new thing on the Eff Bee, wherein I have conversations with my cat Rusty. The first two are pretty short:

RUSTY: Hey. It's time for my god damned dinner.
ME: I fed you like two hours ago.
RUSTY: I know. I was counting on the fact that you'd forget.
ME: Why would you do that?
RUSTY: Works about twice in seven days, actually.
ME: You're kidding me!
RUSTY: And we have this conversation about every other time. But I just roll on my back and show you my belly, and you forget all about it. Like this.
ME: Awww, that's so cute. Who's a cute boy?
RUSTY (to himself): Thaaaat's right. Jump through the hoop!

RUSTY: So, thanks for the food and everything. I got you a little something.
ME: Oh, thanks buddy. That's awfully nice of...
RUSTY: You like it?
ME: Where's, uh, where's its head?
RUSTY: That's MY business.
ME: Dude, that's gotta go.

(STUPID HUMAN throws mouse out the back door into the woods)

RUSTY (after a pause) That was a GIFT, you son of a bitch. Good luck finding where I piss tonight.
And now, making its world premiere, Episode 3. Not on the Eff Bee, nowhere but here, an exclusive for my bloggy-boo pals. 

RUSTY: Look, all I'm saying is that I don't really like it when you call me "your pet." Demeans me. Makes it seem like I don't really run the place.
ME: You don't, you idiot. We humans do.
RUSTY: Do you?
ME: Of course we do.
RUSTY: Let me ask you something: When your day begins, where am I?
ME: You're sleeping on my bed.
RUSTY: Leaving behind for the moment the question of whose bed it is, you get ready to start your day, and then what?
ME: Well, nothing. You're usually asleep until 2 in the afternoon.
RUSTY: Precisely. Then I yawn, and stretch, and do what?
ME: You take a piss in the bathtub.
RUSTY: Immediately after which, you do what?
ME: I clean it.
RUSTY: I see.
ME: That doesn't prove anything.
RUSTY: Well, what happens 'round these parts at 6:00 PM?
ME: You whine like a little girl for your dinner.
RUSTY: And what happens if you don't feed me right away?
ME: You wind around my feet until you trip me.
RUSTY (hardens glance for a brief moment): Hurts, doesn't it...(softens glance) but it doesn't often come to that, because why?
ME: Because I feed you.
RUSTY: Because you feed me. And on those rare occasions when your company doesn't bore me to distraction, and I sit down in your vicinity, what happens then?
ME: I pet you, just the way you like to be petted.
RUSTY: In summation, then, you provide me food at my every whim; you provide companionship when I want it and the way I want it; you follow me around and clean up after every emptying of my bladder. Is that about right?
ME (looking down): I suppose.
RUSTY: Who runs the place?
ME: Please don't make me say it.
RUSTY: Who runs the place? I won't ask again.
ME: You do.
RUSTY: That's RIGHT I do. Now break out the catnip; exerting dominance makes me frisky.