Monday, May 14, 2012

I Have Followed My Own Advice

If the fucking zombies come, by god and sonny jesus, I'll be ready.

For I have purchased the ideal weapon to fight them: I am the proud owner of a Ruger 10/22 carbine, with a black synthetic stock, and factory-installed fiber-optic sights for pinpoint accuracy under low-light situations (because, as we all know, the zombies are most active at dusk).  I picked up the rifle, an extra 25-shot magazine (for the love of all that's holy, don't call it a clip at a gun shop), and a brick of 500 rounds of ammo for under $300 total.
My arsenal, such as it is.  Top: Mossberg 340.  Bottom: Ruger 10/22


And over and above my ability to withstand the coming apocalypse, I couldn't be happier.  My current firearm was only barely sufficient to protect my wife and the house, and zero fun as a sporting rifle.  It's an old Mossberg 340, a bolt-action .22 with a balky 6-shot magazine.  It has great sentimental value to me; it was what my brothers and I used to get our NRA certifications when we were kids, and when my dad passed it was the only firearm from his arsenal that I took. But it's inaccurate, too heavy for Tootsie and starting to rust and pit from age.  And because it's so heavy and such a pain in the ass to fire, it's a horrible choice to go traipsing around in the woods with.  Wherea s the Ruger is a semi-automatic, so there's no bolt to work, it's smaller and lighter by far, and it's so accurate that at 25 yards I can shoot a full mag in a grouping the size of an Eisenhower dollar. Unlike the old Mossberg it's huge fun to shoot and easy to clean - which is important because for some reason, .22 rounds in general, and of the kind I picked up specifically (Blazer, it's called, standard velocity, 40 grain load), are filthy and will cake black gook in the barrel and ejector if you don't stay on top of it. There are 100 different gun cleaning kits out there but I'm a purist - give me a kit by Hoppe's any day and conversation closed.

***THIS PARAGRAPH OPTIONAL: READ ONLY IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HOW TO CLEAN A RIFLE***

Hoppe's (pronounced HOPP-eez) has been cleaning guns since Jesus hisself done shot the Sheriff. It comes with a bottle of solvent, to clean the gunk, a bottle of oil, to lubricate things after you're done, a few different sizes of little cloth squares, and a pushrod to go through the barrel.  The clever bit is, the pushrod has a handle that spins free, so that as you push the rod through, it actually spins along with the barrel rifling, so that you don't scratch anything or even wear down the rifling at all.  You take a cloth, soak it in solvent, attach it to the pushrod, and stick it through the barrel.  The cloth comes out filthy.  You do that until it comes out clean.  Then take a big cloth square and hand-clean the opening, where the ejector stuff is.  Then you do the same thing except with oil, wipe down, wash yer hands, and you're ready to shoot again.  In and out in 10 minutes. Yes, you could field-strip it and clean every piece individually, but that's really only necessary maybe a couple times a year. But you should quick-clean a firearm using the above method every single time you use it.  You really ought not put away a firearm dirty.  Will it fail if you skip one cleaning?  Probably not.  But don't.  They're precision machines and they're well-built but like any machine, gunk will foul a mechanism and that's the very last thing you want, right?   So spend ten minutes and clean your weapon.  Then clean your rifle *wink*.

***OPTIONAL PARAGRAPH OVER: SKIPPING ANY FURTHER PARAGRAPHS IS A VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW***

Whenever I start to think that I may want a bigger, louder, more powerful firearm, I realize that the last time I was at the range I spent an hour and popped 110 rounds through her - which would have cost me over $100 if I had an AR-15, for example.  And really, in the end, 90% of what I do is aim, fire, repeat, look at the holes in the paper.  And I'd rather that cost me a nickel a go instead of a buck.

One thing you should know about me: I'm a namer of things.  I named my first new car - "Jessica," after the song (had I named it for the girl who I screwed rotten in her, I'd have named it "Psycho Carole." Well, opportunity lost).  My every day guitar, my Epiphone PR-5E, which you've recently seen me play, I've named "Dulcinea," because it is worthy of that level of beauty, and also because the quest for musical knowledge is, if nothing else, quixotic. Look it up if you don't get the reference. I've named pipes and bongs, too, but I've forgotten their names, man.

I'm thinking of giving a name to my 10/22, and I could use some help.  She's sleek, streamlined, beautiful, and could kill a grown man in under 3 seconds. She's easy to be around, needs little attention, performs flawlessly, and fits my hands like a dream. So right away most female names are out.  BA-ZINGA!

Anyone out there like to do a little plinking?  Give me a shout, maybe we meet up at a range and spend a couple hours shooting through six dollars' worth of ammo.

16 comments:

  1. Name it Josie and you'll have a friend forever...

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  2. Name it Josie? Hmmmm....

    DOCTOR: How did you get your dick caught in a rifle?

    CRAFTY SOUTHPAW: Well, there's this guy who calls himself Coach, see...

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  3. Well enigma or no, I'm not the sort of man who would let you say something like that without explaining yourself. Ignorant cur! Down in the dirt with you and explain your words. Or be prepared to taste my steel!

    Sorry, I was a highwayman there for a second.

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  4. Just me making stupid baseless assumptions on the tiny little fraction of information that I know about you from this blog. You just didn't strike me as the gun enthusiast type is all.

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    1. Would it surprise you if I told you I was also pro-life and support legislation outlawing any termination of pregnancy?

      I'm not, I was just asking if you'd be surprised. I sure as hell would be!

      Unvarnished truth be told I take descriptions like "enigma" with pride. I prefer "renaissance man," myself, but I try not to quibble.

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  5. Guns are sexy. Sorry to say it but they are.

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    1. From a male's perspective, chicks who dig guns are quite a treat. Me, personally, nothing revs the ol' engine like a chick who plays a musical instrument. And if she can rip the solo of "Whole Lotta Love" then knock down an 8-pointer with a .3030, I'll divorce Tootsie and marry her. Whether or not she consents.

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  6. .."needs little attention" .. rules out Josie... I have no idea's for a name though.

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  7. I had no idea you were a gun enthusiast, but now I understand the genesis of the zombie post, which I found a bit disturbing. You were considering your next purchase of killing weapons, methinks.

    Any interest in a beautiful wooden, glass-front gun case? My father, who didn't stop hunting until he was 81, left it here at the house when my parents moved to the Cape. It also has a rifle in it, I'd guess an antiquated .22, that needs to be disposed of. I can send pics of the case and rifle if you're interested. :-)

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  8. Hunting at 81? Wow. I didn't like hunting when I was 20! But yes, please, send me the pics and let me know what you want for it. If it locks, let me know if you still have the key. And if he left behind any kind of secure storage, like a gun safe, please let me know?

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  9. He loved hunting. Bird season, deer season, whatever. Even went to Montana and killed an elk once when he was in his 60s. He only stopped because, when he was out deer hunting, he stumbled and slid down a hillside and realized he couldn't rescue himself. He had to call his hunting buddies to come help him up the hill.

    I will check on the presence of lack thereof of a lock. I'll send pics tomorrow. I'll consider a price, hadn't given it much thought yet. I'd be very happy if someone I knew bought it rather than a stranger. He owned no handguns so had nothing like a gun safe.

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  10. I'd appreciate that. And FYI gun safes are tall things, for long firearms like rifles and shotguns; handguns can be kept in a little locked box.

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  11. Ah-ha! That is my incidental learning for today -- the correct definition of a gun safe. No, he didn't have any such thing. All his kids were born in the 50's. Nobody worried about us blowing our heads off with his shotguns back then.

    BTW - I just checked, there is no lock below the handle of the door. Is that a non-starter for you?

    Also, I realized the case is behind some other furniture. Someone strong will be here on Thursday to help with packing and he can move those pieces so I can take pics then.

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  12. Well, I'm kind of a lock-and-key guy; it's one of those things I guess Dad drilled into me without saying a word. Funny how effortlessly a good Dad can teach...but no, it's not a non-starter, if it pleases my senses and doesn't overburden my wallet, I'd certainly consider it. Especially if it gives something of sentimental worth to you a good home. Looking forward to the pics.

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  13. Sleek, streamlined, beautiful seems to sum up one name to me. And in honor of his recent passing you could name your weapon Shelby.

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