Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Some Housekeeping Chores, The Next Post is Yours, But No Strippers or Whores


I. Housekeeping

Few items on the ol' cleanup agenda:  First of all, I am just flat-out sick and tired of spending my whole day in either discomfort or pain.  One wrong move, as they say, and the ouchies come tumbling out of my ribcage.  If any of you are doctors, I could use an explanation as to exactly what is causing that pain.  Either way, I'll be happy to see it in my rear-view mirror.

Secondly, I owe an apology to...Very Josie.  Actually two apologies.  The first is for stealing the cushion of her work chair, though I will say that the rumors that I was found sniffing all the delicious out of it are completely unfounded. The second apology is that I just today found a comment she left me about ten days ago in Blogger's spam file.  It has since been published. Check it out: it's about, er, some damn thing or another.

The final housekeeping item is this: The realm of the Crafty Southpaw has been extended to 20 followers.  As always, my followers seem to sign up in bunches.  For almost a year I had 8; then within maybe two weeks I grew to 16.  There it sat for months until someone else signed up about two weeks ago,  and then last week I got three more in rapid succession.  So: welcome aboard, NumbBono (whom I remember from the BDR days), M. Prosk, Stump, and most recently Vegas Linda Lou, whose book Bastard Husband: A Love Story is the most recent addition to my Kindle Fire.  The book is funny and poignant in perfect proportion, and her blog is a fun read too.  Linda, thanks for your email, it was very gracious of you.

All you new types, feel free to comment on my posts and thanks for reading me.  It is (obviously) because of y'all that my blog is increasing in popularity. In fact, the page hits I've gotten in the last 30 days represent 1/6th of all the page hits I've ever had, despite the fact that my blog has been up and running since 2007.

II. Pick the Next Post

Once again I am suffering a touch of blog post logjam, so I'm giving the subject of the next post to you.  Here are your choices:

  1. My adventures in umpire school, which was on the last list
  2. Part I of a new feature: Shit I Find Fascinating.  Some topics to consider:
    * Shortwave "numbers stations;"
    * A brilliant bit of World War II deception called "Operation Mincemeat;"
    * The Army that Never Was: The Story of FUSAG, the First US Army Group; or
    * Genius, Catcher, Spy: the Moe Berg Story (teaser: he was a backup catcher for the Boston Red Sox; his manager, noting his brilliance, quipped "he can speak five languages, and he can't hit in any of 'em")
  3. A video of me playing "Norwegian Wood" on my guitar
  4. My brush with greatness: I sit next to an LPGA champion on an airplane
You'll notice that there's no smut of any kind on this list.  Apologies to our friend Rob, who is so breast-obsessed that his motto is "I'm thirsty."

Also, if one of you sends me a particularly passionate plea to write whatever post you advocate, I will deliver props by the carload. And if you don't want me publishing your choice, just say so in the comment and anonymity is guaranteed.

Finally, and by way of closing this post, I had ice cream today for the first time this calendar year.  It was, I must admit, yummy. Let's hope I've retained the ability to process dairy, or nobody is going to have a pleasant night's sleep here tonight.

50 comments:

  1. You know, Gary, if you're gonna have fun at my expense as you did in your third to the last paragraph, the least you could do is give me some link love and link to my blog as you mock me. Yes, I know I am on your blogroll, which I appreciate. And if fact,I actually think you may have been been the first person to put me on their blogroll, which I am very grateful for. Still, we know how lazy people are, and we know that not everyone who reads your post will stop to figure out who this mysterious "Rob" is who is breast obsessed, so if you mention me in a post (or anyone who has a blog), I think it's only fair to make the reference link back to the blog. Just sayin'.

    And congrats on having 20 followers. I have 20 now too, which amazes me....especially since I still haven't figure out exactly what the point of a being a follower of a blogger blog is? I mean it's nice for the followee's ego, but what does a follower get out of it? And I say that as one of your 20 official followers!

    And I'd still like to hear your story about umpire school, although, oddly enough, I would also be interested in that video of you playing "Norwegian Wood."

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    1. Heh, heh....thanks for adding the link! But I gotta ask,what the heck are you doing up at 3:15 in the morning?

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    2. Why, not sleeping, of course. I'm a card-carrying insomniac.

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    3. I "follow" blogs because i get everyones "updates" in a nice neat area on the backend of my blog showing me what updates happened and in which order so I can skim them when I feel like it.

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    4. Good point, grrouch, I guess that is a benefit. However for me, since almost all the blogs I follow are on my blog roll (even Gary's), and there are non-blogger blogs there--it's easier to use my blogroll to know where to go to find new posts, just clicking on my own links.

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  2. Rob, I follow other blogs, and other people follow mine I suspect, largely as a show of loyalty and quality: "This is a blog that I dig, and you should read with confidence," or somesuch similar translation.

    Also, please note that I have made with the link love, and have done so while resisting the temptation to ask you if you'd like some cheese with that whine. And then resisting the temptation to chuckle at my own cleverness at that joke, which is no worse for wear despite its having been told many, MANY more times than once.

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    1. So I'm a whiney tit-man, huh?

      If only I had a bosom-buddy nearby whose shoulder I could cry on.

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    2. Hmm..."Whiney tit-man" could be the name of a super-hero. Not a GOOD name, of course, but we can leave that behind for the moment.

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  3. I vote for the umpire school story. My second choice would be the "Operation Mincemeat" tale.

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    1. Oooh, Mincemeat. A personal favorite. Hope it gets more votes!

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    2. I vote for history. I'm a history nerd. Currently reading about Adam Worth the inspiration for Professor Moriarty.

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    3. Well Josephine is going to send over an alternate list of topics shortly, you can vote on one of them. Or, tell her that her ideas suck, if they do. I'm good either way.

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    4. It took me a second to realize who you were talking to. Grrouchie calls me Josephine and some people at work call me Josephine :-p

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    5. I certainly will call her Jo, Jos, or Josie, but I believe that women of quality deserve to be called by their right name; so I will from time to time call her Josephine.

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  4. I heart Gary and his blog!

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    1. Awwww, thanks Carmel. That made my man-parts all tingly...

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  5. Gary - any of the subjects you propose are fine with me. You're an excellent writer, so you'll make a good story out of any of them. I am curious about the shortwave item. Does shortwave still exist? I mean, are there still radios sending out those waves for other radios to receive?

    I confess the post to which I most look forward is the one following our game together at Fenway. I think you'll really like my brother. He has a love of puns, language and silly jokes much like you.

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    1. Cranks, yes, you may rest safely assured that shortwave radios still exist, and spies still use them to transmit messages. The very qualities to short waves that make them travel so far - the fact that they bounce off the atmosphere and come back down - make the transmitters difficult to locate or triangulate.

      And yes, my post-game post will hopefully be enlightening. Or at least stupidly funny.

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    2. I like you more and more Gary. I used to be a member of the amateur radio club here in Las Vegas!

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  6. I'm interested in how the ice cream experiment turned out. Being lactose intolerant myself (I simply will not tolerate it!) I still indulge occasionally usually with disastrous results.

    I want to hear the umpire stories, although I don't know if your other readers will vote that way.

    I love blogs that tell stories about things I can't or don't experience myself, just like I'm not so crazy about ones that blog about movies or TV game shows. If I cared I would WATCH them myself.

    So just because most people would vote for a blog post about American Idol, don't do that shit, do the stuff that is more about you and your personal experiences.

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    1. Well, Duggs, I was never going to do a post on Idol, but my Card Sharks exposé was going to be a barn-burner.

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  7. Gary, thanks so much for the plug for my book, and my blog, too! Very much appreciated.

    Considering the eye candy I put up in yesterday's post, it's no mystery why breast-obsessed, "whiney tit-man," Rob made it over to my blog for a visit, huh? Awesome.

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    1. Linda, no problem. And yes, four words for your picures: Three of those words are "va," and the fourth is "voom."

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    2. Et tu, Linda?

      Boy I come to Gary's blog and I get not one but TWO people insulting me here, including you Linda, my newest blog follower. Ouch.

      Well, at least you're a professional comedian, so it's kind of an honor to be insulted by you, unlike the jabs I get from Gary, a recreational poker player who is still WHINING about a hand he got sucked out on.

      I'm surprised Josie hasn't taken a shot at me here yet.

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    3. Oh, tit boy, tit boy, tit boy. For a smart dude you show a remarkable lack of understanding of the facts. I did not get sucked out on; the whole point of that post was that I played a hand wrong and lost a lot of money because of it. That's not being sucked out on; that's misplaying a hand. My fault entirely. And I'll tell you something else for your comfort: an insult from me, if insult you choose to call it, is really a compliment of the highest order.

      It's official: we're fighting.

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    4. We're fighting, huh? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, my very first blogging feud! Awesome, just awesome. I'm am so down with that.

      But are we really gonna argue semantics? I mean, you say you misplayed the hand, I say you got sucked out on. Tomato, Tomahto, no? Seriously, if you had raised preflop, and the guy called anyway ("hey, I already had a couple of bucks in the pot," don't tell me you've never seen that before), would that have then qualified as suck out in your mind? Supposed you shoved pre-flop (which I'm sure would have been a bad play) and he made the worse play of calling? Is that a suck out? But thinking a little pocket pair isn't good enough to raise with, so you don't, that is strictly bad play on your part? To me, anyway you slice it, it's a suckout. You may have allowed it to happen (or so you think) but it's still a suckout. I'm actually DEFENDING you here, Beatles-boy.

      But if you wanna fight with me, we do have something we could probably get into a knock-down drag out over. No, no, it's not this so-called "breast obsession" of mine. I don't like breasts any more than the next guy (as long as the next guy is Hugh Hefner). I bet you've looked at a tit or two in your life, my friend. And knowing your ethnic background, I bet you like your women ZAFTIG yourself!

      No, I'm talking sports. I see you are from New England and I see you posting about the Boston Bruins recent flop, and I see your pal Josie is like the world's biggest Red Sox fan, so I have to assume you have some affection for the basketball team that plays in Boston, a team so repugnant that I won't even mention their name. They are the most vile creatures that walk the earth, and as a Lakers fan they are my mortal enemies. Surely we could get into it over that, no?

      I guess I could also rub your face in the fact that the L.A. Kings are doing remarkably, incredibly, well in the playoffs while your beloved Bruins lick their wounds. But seriously, I'm not much of a hockey guy, tho I would like to see the Kings take home the Cup.

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    5. Yeesh, where to begin? First of all, your desire to tar me with the stain of being a Celtics fan won't work: though I'm a Sox fan and a Bruins fan, I'm apathetic toward the Pats and downright hostile to anything NBA. So: strike 1.

      Is a "little pocket pair" really not good enough to raise with? Sometimes. A man has choices. He can raise the blind, or he can fold. But calling the BB un-raised is weak and gutless. So: strike 2.

      Finally, a suck-out is when luck changes the course of a hand and negates any skill in the play. A hand that is played without skill, cannot be sucked out on. Strike 3. Game, set, match, championship. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

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    6. and yes, I know I'm mixing a baseball metaphor with a tennis metaphor. How dare you bring that up? Seriously, Rob, I'm disappointed.

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    7. Wow, talk about ambivalence. I really have seriously mixed emotions here.

      On the one hand, what a relief to know that you are not a fan of that Boston basketball team that I alluded to. Phew. You have new found esteem in my eyes.

      OTOH, it is disappointing to hear that you are "hostile to anything NBA." Can't respect that. For me, that's as if I said to you, "The Beatles sucked."

      Oh well, I guess we'll have to return to poker. I love how you yourself declare it over, game, set and match, no extra innings required (oh shit, I just mixed tennis and baseball metaphors, didn't I?) I think the judge and jury maybe just a TAD bit prejudiced, don't you? Heh heh.

      Well, it will be, you'll pardon the expression, a SLAM DUNK to beat you on the poker argument.

      Your assertion that a hand that is played without any skilled cannot be sucked out on is just, well, what's the right word here....I know....WRONG. To give you just one citation, check the link here:

      http://www.poker-babes.com/poker/definitions/suck-out/

      Now, this comes from a site called "poker babes" so how could you possibly dispute it? All a suck out is when someone comes from behind to win a hand. It's usually when someone hits a draw to best a made hand. It doesn't matter whether the guy losing played it liked the world's biggest fish, or was Phil Freakin' Ivey, it's still a suckout. Another site I saw said if you get sucked out on a lot, it may indicate there are holes in your game. This may be the case here, but it's still a suckout.

      Now frankly, I think you learned a lesson, you got a great blog post out of your suckout, so you should just move on and get past it. Let it go man. I mean, take me as an example. I know that no hot babe (poker or otherwise) is gonna shake her ta-ta's in my face tonite and I've accepted that. You should accept losing a pot to some lucky bastard and losing the argument to me with grace and style, as I'm sure you usually do.

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    8. Rob, I will concede the point if you swear to whatever deity succours you in your hour of need that we, you and I, will never discuss the subtleties of the pre-flop limp ever, ever again. Deal?

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    9. For you, my friend, absolutely, deal.

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  8. Moe Berg is a fascinating story. I'm considering him for my next baseball portrait. I'd really be interested in reading your version.

    "Go with Moe!"

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    1. Duckman, you consistently surprise me. I would have never expected anyone to know who Moe Berg was. Impressive, sir.

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  9. I think you've gone from creepy to UBER creepy, No sniffing me at the sox game on Sunday. Okay, once!

    Hey did you know that Linda Lou LOVES Jews? It's true!

    BTW those options suck. :) How bout I put out some options for your readers? Or are you too chicken? buck, buck, buck

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    1. Wait a tic - YOU'RE going to suggest topics for ME to write about? And offering me $3 to do it (buck buck buck)? Well you just BRING IT, pretty girl, and I'll see what we can come up with.

      And yes BTW, I know Linda loves Jews...this one too!

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    2. No YOU wait a minute. I come up wtih a list - readers pick one and you write it. There's no "we" here. Do you agree?

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    3. My parents must've loved Jews to give me a Hewbrew name.

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  10. Option #1 - Post about Mark C (ex poker guy) and his fixation with enemas....and lesbians now that I think about it, but the focus should be enemas. Also Gary should touch upon just HOW MUCH I dislike him. :)

    Option #2 - Noodles (poker guy) and his Josie fixation. Gary should include gross details like him LITERALLY humping my leg and machine tongue waggling faces at me...etc.

    Option #3 - The story of Gary's dad finding a bong on the front lawn that belonged to Gary and/or his brother.

    Option #4 - KEN. Ken is one of Gary's BF but very cloak and dagger if you ask me. I've never met him...he sometimes lives in vegas...and has a very checkered past i think.

    Option #5 - the detailed explanation of why you dislike your oldest brother so much.

    I think that's a good start.

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    1. Josie, did you actually write, "the focus should be enemas"?

      Seriously?

      Thanks, but no thanks. I go with #2 as long as you promise to fill in the blanks.

      (Sorry if this a duplicate comment, trying to get past a nasty computer virus)

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    2. Rob, fyi, I did get both messages, best of luck with the virus beastie.

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    3. Yes rob I did say enemAs. It was s constant theme st the felt with this guy
      Grrrross

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    4. Thanks man, it's a bitch.

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  11. OK everybody - you heard the lady: vote and I shall write.

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    1. Bonus option #6 -the detailed story of you separating from your previous employer.

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  12. I'm not sure how to say this without angering the short Sicilian one, so I'll just put it out there. I don't really find any of the new topics interesting. I'll stick with my original votes for either the umpire school stories (1st choice) or Project Mincemeat (2nd choice).

    Topic 6 about separating from your employer would be my choice of Josie's suggestions.

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    1. Josie, please refrain from calling people "whore" on my posts.

      JT, please stop being a whore.

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  13. I still want to hear about history.

    Family drama! I have enough. I want to know what kind of crazy Jewish folks are. You tell me why you hate your brother, I'll tell you about the time I tried to kill one of my brothers.

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  14. Carmel, I'm going to grant your wish. I hope at the end you won't regret of your decision; it's not a particularly happy tale.

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