I Have Followed My Own Advice

If the fucking zombies come, by god and sonny jesus, I'll be ready.

For I have purchased the ideal weapon to fight them: I am the proud owner of a Ruger 10/22 carbine, with a black synthetic stock, and factory-installed fiber-optic sights for pinpoint accuracy under low-light situations (because, as we all know, the zombies are most active at dusk).  I picked up the rifle, an extra 25-shot magazine (for the love of all that's holy, don't call it a clip at a gun shop), and a brick of 500 rounds of ammo for under $300 total.

My arsenal, such as it is.  Top: Mossberg 340.  Bottom: Ruger 10/22

And over and above my ability to withstand the coming apocalypse, I couldn't be happier.  My current firearm was only barely sufficient to protect my wife and the house, and zero fun as a sporting rifle.  It's an old Mossberg 340, a bolt-action .22 with a balky 6-shot magazine.  It has great sentimental value to me; it was what my brothers and I used to get our NRA certifications when we were kids, and when my dad passed it was the only firearm from his arsenal that I took. But it's inaccurate, too heavy for Tootsie and starting to rust and pit from age.  And because it's so heavy and such a pain in the ass to fire, it's a horrible choice to go traipsing around in the woods with.  Wherea s the Ruger is a semi-automatic, so there's no bolt to work, it's smaller and lighter by far, and it's so accurate that at 25 yards I can shoot a full mag in a grouping the size of an Eisenhower dollar. Unlike the old Mossberg it's huge fun to shoot and easy to clean - which is important because for some reason, .22 rounds in general, and of the kind I picked up specifically (Blazer, it's called, standard velocity, 40 grain load), are filthy and will cake black gook in the barrel and ejector if you don't stay on top of it. There are 100 different gun cleaning kits out there but I'm a purist - give me a kit by Hoppe's any day and conversation closed.

***THIS PARAGRAPH OPTIONAL: READ ONLY IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HOW TO CLEAN A RIFLE***

Hoppe's (pronounced HOPP-eez) has been cleaning guns since Jesus hisself done shot the Sheriff. It comes with a bottle of solvent, to clean the gunk, a bottle of oil, to lubricate things after you're done, a few different sizes of little cloth squares, and a pushrod to go through the barrel.  The clever bit is, the pushrod has a handle that spins free, so that as you push the rod through, it actually spins along with the barrel rifling, so that you don't scratch anything or even wear down the rifling at all.  You take a cloth, soak it in solvent, attach it to the pushrod, and stick it through the barrel.  The cloth comes out filthy.  You do that until it comes out clean.  Then take a big cloth square and hand-clean the opening, where the ejector stuff is.  Then you do the same thing except with oil, wipe down, wash yer hands, and you're ready to shoot again.  In and out in 10 minutes. Yes, you could field-strip it and clean every piece individually, but that's really only necessary maybe a couple times a year. But you should quick-clean a firearm using the above method every single time you use it.  You really ought not put away a firearm dirty.  Will it fail if you skip one cleaning?  Probably not.  But don't.  They're precision machines and they're well-built but like any machine, gunk will foul a mechanism and that's the very last thing you want, right?   So spend ten minutes and clean your weapon.  Then clean your rifle *wink*.

***OPTIONAL PARAGRAPH OVER: SKIPPING ANY FURTHER PARAGRAPHS IS A VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW***

Whenever I start to think that I may want a bigger, louder, more powerful firearm, I realize that the last time I was at the range I spent an hour and popped 110 rounds through her - which would have cost me over $100 if I had an AR-15, for example.  And really, in the end, 90% of what I do is aim, fire, repeat, look at the holes in the paper.  And I'd rather that cost me a nickel a go instead of a buck.

One thing you should know about me: I'm a namer of things.  I named my first new car - "Jessica," after the song (had I named it for the girl who I screwed rotten in her, I'd have named it "Psycho Carole." Well, opportunity lost).  My every day guitar, my Epiphone PR-5E, which you've recently seen me play, I've named "Dulcinea," because it is worthy of that level of beauty, and also because the quest for musical knowledge is, if nothing else, quixotic. Look it up if you don't get the reference. I've named pipes and bongs, too, but I've forgotten their names, man.

I'm thinking of giving a name to my 10/22, and I could use some help.  She's sleek, streamlined, beautiful, and could kill a grown man in under 3 seconds. She's easy to be around, needs little attention, performs flawlessly, and fits my hands like a dream. So right away most female names are out.  BA-ZINGA!

Anyone out there like to do a little plinking?  Give me a shout, maybe we meet up at a range and spend a couple hours shooting through six dollars' worth of ammo.