Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Crafty Southpaw's Rules of Thumb

  1. The more asshole drivers you encounter on your commute, the worse a driver you are.
  2. You should ignore any attention paid you by the opposite sex if that person is in any way paid to interact with you.  Think waitresses, sales people, real estate agents, strippers.
  3. The only thing worse than having bad pot is having a lot of bad pot.
  4. Never give money to a spare-changer who is clean-shaven.
  5. A horn is a non-specific thing; a well-aimed finger leaves little doubt.
  6. The best way to get rid of someone for ever is to loan them money.
  7. Nobody loves you the way you think they do; whether it's more or less is almost immaterial.
  8. A good first question to ask when having a political discussion is, "how far is this going," because neither one of you will change your mind and you both know it, so you might as well set the boundaries up front.
  9. Sushi from any place other than a sushi restaurant should be avoided at all cost.
  10. Some part of you knows right away whether to trust someone or not.  Listen to that little voice, it's almost always right.
  11. Those who think that mankind is the only species who kills for sport have never owned a cat.
  12. People who pass by the ancient shaky veterans who are selling those poppies on Veteran's and Memorial Day without throwing a buck into their can are assholes, and you should plan any interaction with them accordingly.
  13. The worst tippers are those with a lot of money.
  14. Paranoia is just narcissism through a dark mirror.  You really need an inflated self-perception to believe the government is after you.
  15. The single most lethal way to hurt someone who loves you is to ignore them.  
  16. The love of one's God, and the belief that he is the only true God, has caused more deaths since the beginning of time than anything else in the world. Nationalism - the love of one's country - ranks second.
  17. Physically knowing how to play an instrument yet without heart or feel is as close to true musicianship as house-painting is to portraiture.
  18. A woman with a tattoo showing has another that doesn't show when she has clothes on.
  19. You should never pay more than $1.99 a pound for any vegetable at any time.
  20. Madison Avenue and the advertising machine are as close to a totalitarian dictatorship as this country will ever know.  We are enslaved but don't know it, and would refuse to believe it if shown the truth.
And finally:

"The lion will lie down with the lamb - but the lamb won't get much sleep." - Woody Allen

"Every guy down there [on LA's Skid Row]...every one I spoke to, a woman put him there." - Tom Waits

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx


  1. That last one has been one of my favorite quotes for at least 2 decades now!

  2. You strike me as the type. Bet you want to make a fool out of Margaret DuMont too, don't you?

    1. I've always wanted my own personal Margaret to be honest - nothing would make me happier!

  3. I try - but sometimes I give money to clean-shaven bums.

  4. Expect everything ... and the unexpected never happens (Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth).

  5. Nice. Here's one: "Don't fuckin buy a battery from AAA." - Unca Gary

  6. There are a few lame ones in the list, don't kid yourself. Start with the two about driving. But then, you shouldn't expect the thumbs up on everything. I don't do that. I am not a dog (people pleaser), rather, I am a cat (independent thinker and loner). Keep writing you interesting bastard.

    1. Sweetheart, you were the reason for those rules. Tootsie, everybody!

  7. The Phantom Tollboth was one of my alltime favorite books.

    Woo hoo I am narcissistic.. now I just gotta look up what that means. Beware! They are watching you! Tao of Fear!