Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Flatulent and Fatuous - A Crafty Southpaw Two-fer

Relax, the can wasn't yet open
Ask anyone who has spent any amount of time with me: I can be an exhausting hang, especially if you've heard all my jokes before. Getting my friends to laugh - like my pal Ken, who himself is quite funny, and Josie, who has heard every single funny thing that's ever come out of my mouth twice - is a miracle on the order of the 2004 ALCS.

Getting Tootsie to laugh is like the fucking loaves and fishes.

So today it was one of those "open up a can of dinner" days. We had one can of tuna fish, and one gigantic can of white-meat chicken - and incidentally, it's scary how alike the two products taste, which makes me think that 75% of the taste of tuna is the can it comes in. In any event I wanted to open up just the chicken and make us both a nice sammich. So I take the two cans over to Tootsie and show them to her, asking if she wants tuna or chicken. She says, "tuna, please," to my chagrin. So I put the can of tuna behind my back, say "let me sweeten the pot for you," and with a completely deadpan expression, fart loudly on the can of tuna.

Toots started laughing hysterically, which needless to say was not the reaction I expected. But when it happens, why, it's worth every weird smell that can of tuna took on. I expect that the next time tuna is on the menu there'll be a callback to this joke, and depending on if I've consumed any dairy recently it might still be funny.

Apparently, Conservatives know little about supply and demand

So I went up to Enn Aitch today, to see my pal Michel. And as I usually do, I stopped at a little gun shop where I've poked my head in before and am a tiny bit recognized. I asked if they carried a specific type of ammo - subsonic, it's called, meaning it doesn't break the sound barrier so it's apparently almost completely silent. It's really only good for target shooting because it has very little power since it's so slow. Anyway the manager of the store indicated that his supplier was out of them, as well as many other items which had been flying off the shelves. I said something like "oh, that's too bad," and another guy there at the store (gun shops are notorious for hangers-on, buying nothing and doing almost nothing, unless you consider chin-wagging an activity) makes with this nugget of wisdom: "It's the goddamn Democrats' fault."

Really, sir? Look, I can understand you probably don't like the left side of the aisle, especially with you being a second amendment booster and all, but do you really believe that it's the Democrats' fault that a few items are out of stock at a warehouse? Come on. Are you that clueless, so clouded with hatred of a political position that you just blame them for everything bad that happened today?

And I'll tell you something else, you conservatives: the hidden secret of your struggle is that last piece of legislation that could even be remotely considered anti-gun was the law, passed in 1999, mandating trigger locks on handguns. The horror! No, the truth is that nobody, but NOBODY, is gunning for your gun. The second amendment to the Constitution is perfectly safe. You have no state-sponsored enemies. But I guess it's better to keep the NRA's membership riled up, threatened and angry, notwithstanding the fact that there's currently little to be angry about. Sure, there are rules surrounding ownership of firearms. That's how it should be: they're dangerous things and you SHOULD be subject to a background check before you can buy one. But when you pass that background check and wait the interminable Federal waiting period - oh what, did I say "interminable?" What I meant was "ends as soon as the background check is complete, which in many instances is immediate, and CAN NOT BY LAW EXCEED THREE DAYS, even if the background check is not complete" - they hand you whatever firearm you desire, and bid you have fun, safely, with your new possession.

Now, you can call me an old Massachusetts lefty, but also remember I'm a gun enthusiast, and the son of a gun enthusiast, and I am in favor of every law that makes firearm acquisition and ownership a safer thing. And any true gun enthusiasts who choose to believe that laws designed to increase safety are threats to the second amendment are just rabble-rousing.


  1. I sure hope you're talking about Tootsie...

  2. If all your farts are as powerful as the "tuna" fart, maybe there should be a three day waiting period on THEM! Sounds like a WMD to me :)

  3. Sorry man, I really don't think that I'd physically be able to wait three days - but I'll tell you this: the ability to crack a rat completely on demand would increase my sense of humor by 40%. THAT'S what Mama Jacobs' youngest son would ask Santa for. Man! Can you imagine? Crack a window!

  4. Tootsie's a lucky woman!

    And you ALWAYS make me laugh - just not with the canned humor of your decades old jokes. See what I did there? CANNED humor? Of course if you farted on the canned humor we'd be in bidness.