so leave me alone!
Ever have one of those days where everything anyone says just goes up your ass sideways? Where the most benign interaction generates molten hatred inside that black, sooty, burnt-out chamber that used to hold your heart?
Yeah. For me, that's TODAY.
It's nothing any of you did; I still hold you all in the same esteem as I held you yesterday at this time. But unfortunately, as I currently hate everyone and everything on this stinking carrion-crawling shithole of a planet, and you all (presumably) are denizens of said planet, I suppose you've all caught some residual evil; some friendly-fire hatred, if you will. Sorry about that.
I think you all know me well enough to know that I do not wish to spew my purulent, caustic streams of ill will towards any of you; but just to be clear, I will clarify exactly where reside the chief recipients of my white-hot invective-laden rage.
* People who cut you off getting on a main street and then go 14 mph for the entire way
* Mall Walkers
* People who comment on a hand in progress that they're not in
* Obnoxious drunks
* Any religious organization that proselytizes door-to-door
* Jay Fucking Leno
* People who call you "sir" just to be patronizing and/or smugly demonstrative of their hatred of you
* Anyone who, upon hearing that I'm originally from Boston, say "So do you paaaaahk the caaaaahh?" and smile like they were the very first people to have ever used that tired old bromide, and expect it to be funny.
* That little punk prick who stole my brand-new navigator out of my car last Christmas. I haven't forgotten you, you little shitbird.
* The New York Yankees and its fans.
Mind you, this is just a partial list. If you're in any way concerned that I might hate you even though you don't fit any of the above descriptions, you're probably right.
So: enjoy the searing heat of my vicious anger. I've certainly enjoyed doing the hating.
* The New York Yankees and its fans.
Mind you, this is just a partial list. If you're in any way concerned that I might hate you even though you don't fit any of the above descriptions, you're probably right.
So: enjoy the searing heat of my vicious anger. I've certainly enjoyed doing the hating.
Jesus loves you, sir.
ReplyDeleteNo, he doesn't. I kicked his ass in pinochle one day and he's borne me a grudge ever since.
ReplyDeleteAs my dad would say when someone asked him how he was doing, "My back hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus."
CS - at the risk of becoming part of the bullet list of hate, I thought I'd chime in on the Jay Leno hate. Not sure why you hate him, but here are my reasons:
ReplyDelete- he delights in making others look stupid (e.g., Jay Walking)
- he's a sexist pig
I read your tirade while mall walking. I ran over three people who were in my way. I walk the same speed as I drive . . . fourteen frickin miles per hour!
ReplyDeleteI'm headed over to the local sports bar now to watch my beloved Yankees and have a couple dozen beers.
Afterwards, I'll grab my bicycle and white shirt and go door to door and beat a few people over the head with my bible. I haven't decided whether or not to wear my Yankees hat, it depends on whether or they beat the Baaaaaston Red Sux.
I'm glad I'll have my new navigator to keep me from getting lost. Jay Leno sent it to me. Isn't he hilarious!
I hope your day gets better, sir.
Your first one, people who cut you off in traffic and then drive slow...there's gotta be a special place in hell for people like that. One of my biggest pet peeves.
ReplyDeleteBTW, Lucki Duck's snarky comment is just brilliant.
Duck's comment is the best blog comment in 2012 imo.
ReplyDelete@Rob, you're correct - +2 for Duckman, who comes through yet again.
ReplyDelete@Cranky, I hate him because he's just so white-bread, geriatric, unfunny and inoffensive. Combine that with an ego that's more prominent than his chin and you're beginning to get the idea.
And @Duck, someone came to the door again this morning, trying to give me the good news and sell me a copy of Awake! magazine, which, if Viagra doesn't advertise there, they're missing a huge opportunity.