So this is what "Self-Destructive Behavior" means

I'm so pissed off at myself I can hardly speak. Well, let's not go too far, there's no end to the love I have for the sound of my own voice. Anyway, why am I pissed?

I'll tell you why: In the tournament that would mean either profit or loss for the evening, during the hand that was so important to finishing in the money, at what arguably could be called the most important single moment of the night, I lost hand, game, and evening, by playing a hand I swore I would not play again.

I lost more than half my stack by playing...wait for it...pocket sevens.

Look over my last few posts. You'll see my sincerity. You'll see the light of newfound knowledge. And for sure, there's no zealot like a convert. I saw the error of my ways. Promises were made and for a while, kept. I would NOT play 77. I would NOT play KJ. I would NOT play A2 (or any of its friends). I would NOT play QJ.

And the bitch of it is, it was working. I was winning more, going deeper more, playing more solidly, losing only when my great hand was up against a better hand (AK vs AA for example) and my opponent sucking out (which stings a lot less when you're not helping your cause by losing because you're an idiot). And as I mentioned to a pal a few days ago, if my game seems unimaginative and a bit ABC, well, that's fine as long as I start winning with regularity.

But I looked down at 77, one of which was a diamond, and a board of 346 all diamonds or something like that, and I couldn't help myself. Having forgotten all my teachings, for no greater reward than winning a small hand or even just the blinds, I make a giant bet with my 7's and held my breath.

I did not have to wait long. My opponent (I can't even with sincerity call him the villain) re-popped for all his chips, only a few hundred more than my bet. At this point I was priced in irrespective of what I had, so I called to find he (with KJ, how's that for irony) had his flush all made and happy, and I was dead to one card for a straight flush. Guess what? It didn't come. And I lost the hand.

And bubbled for the money.

Which meant a losing night.

Because I forgot what I learned and played a documented loser of a hand.

For want of a nail, the kingdom was lost. And I'm so pissed I can hardly speak.

Non-Poker: A Poignant Image

This photograph, whose originator is unknown, shows a bombed-out library in London, with its patrons still calmly perusing its shelves for something of interest to read.

If this image doesn't bring a lump to your throat you're either dead inside, or a Nazi, or both.  It conjures up such a classic British sense of moving on with life in the face of horrible, dangerous circumstances, and an unspoken, spine-straightening defiance of the warmongers who were bombing population centers with no military value.  We WILL beat you, even if you bomb us to powder.  We WILL perservere against you.  And we will live our lives in our own quiet way, even if it means finding something of interest to read in a heap of rubble.

Even AQ might be a trash ace...

4:19 Started a step 3 18-person tourney, seats 1-5 get a step 4 ticket. Two seats to my right is a pro, Adam Noone. He's first button so I'm first BB. Second hand, to an unraised BB, is KJs. Even notwithstanding my discount, I fold that shit like it was a shirt.

4:20 Smoke 'em if you got 'em.  Woo hoo!

4:24 QhQd as BB. SB-1 raised to 120. I raise to 320. Fold. CC 1710.

4:26 two black queens as button. Raise to 120. Both blinds call. Bet 360 on turn, two folds. CC 1950.

4:28 J10o. Sorry Josie. Foldaroo.

4:37 QQ #3. just got blinds, damn. Restores my last round of blinds and am back up to 1965, the year they removed silver from US coinage.

4:38 Folded A8o. May not sound like such a big deal but for me that's a disciplined fold 6-up.

4:39 Ditto the QJo that I just got as BB. Before I'd jump on that shit like a dung beetle jumps on ordure. Not now. Would have had a full house and knocked two people out including the pro. Still a good move though.

4:48 blinded down to 1715. Patience is not a virtue, It's for shit. Picking up odds-defying quantities of KJ, Q10, K10s. Killing me. Just fucking killing me.

4:57 Called neighbor's all in with AQ - he had QQ but I caught the ace and it held up. CC: 3250

4:59 that guy is out. he didn't say anything but it was clear he was steamed up all to hell. He had 1010, raised to 360, got called. Flop came 3AJ and he shoves, only to be called by AJ. The two pair hold up and he's o-u-t spells out.

5:00 QKs as button. I'll try to steal. - successfully! CC 3290.

5:05 first walk of the tourney with 35s. woo hoo!

5:13 dead. A9, high blinds, steal attempt, my opponent woke up with queens. Whaddayagonnado. I played well though, except for the last hand, I think I coulda stayed away from that. Lesson learned: A9 isn't much better than A2, A4, or any other bullshit ace. Adding that to the ledger. By that I mean Heath Ledger, who is absolutely as dead as I am right now.

I am officially staying away from all bullshit aces unless my opponent is a known douchebag.

First goddamn hand

Just jumped in on a 2 table tourney for a step 3 ticket - first hand out of the chute, UTG+3 was KJo.  After I stopped laughing I folded immediately.

Immediate Dividends

Hold Em Manager cost me 80 bucks.  Last night at the most recent Survivor Poker Challenge I took the barest amount of data gleaned therefrom (see post below) and parlayed it into a $94 profit ($97 minus $1 buy-in, $1 for the house, and $1 for the add-on after third level.  No rebuys, I'll have you know).   What did I do that was so special?  I took the hands that I thought were "worth a shot" and folded the fuckers. Did I fold too much?  I don't know; I didn't seem to be getting a lot of action when I raised, which I suppose I can use to my advantage. In fact there was one hand where BuddyDank went in and it was only 3BB to call, and I had a million chips, but I had A6, and that hand is a perfect example of the kind of hand that just does not win as often as you think it does, even heads-up.  Had I called, and BD told the truth, I'd have been up against pocket threes.  You can keep your coin-flips, your ego calls, all that shit.  I prefer to keep my chips, thanks.

When it came time to start stealing blinds (and here I'm thinking of you, Poker Grump; you did this frustratingly well), I just folded and folded until I had something I was reasonably sure beat a random hand and took him down.  I played Bayne and Mike Maloney to a draw and we split the pot three ways, and I'll take a 32 buy-in ROI any day of the week.

So HEM pays for itself in the first tournament I enter after I start using it.  Impressive, I must say. I'm still not playing with a HUD - quite frankly I can't get it to work but also it seems awfully busy and distracting, and I'm still not sure how ethical it is.  Maybe I'll try it later on.

BTW, I've heard that blogger tourneys are donkaments, but if you subscribe to the theory that tight is right, and tighter is righter, these guys play it right.  Call it a nittyment if you like but to call it a donkament is disingenuous.

So until next time, please remember that pocket 7's almost never pays off, and stay away from that wicked KJ offsuit!

Figures Don't Lie; Liars Figure

Having listened to PokerMeister's advice I bought a copy of Hold Em Manager, henceforth HEM. I installed it, pointed it to the right directory, and promptly forgot about it - it was an ocean of unintelligible acronyms, obscure data points, graphs and charts which my feeble simian brain just can't grasp.  Speaking of which, and a propos of nothing, I'd like a banana.

Anyway, today I remembered that I'd dropped 80 bones on a piece of software I wasn't using and ran it today.  It imported some four months' worth of data and even though I'm just scratching the surface of the data available to me, what I have been able to figure out is a staggering wealth of information that can only serve to plug some of the many holes in my game.

The report that has thus far provided me the most immediate benefit for my game is an analysis of win percentage and dollars won per starting hand. The very first piece of information I clapped my eyes on shocked me: despite the popularity of pissing and moaning about how pocket aces don't hold up, the simple fact is they do, at least for me.  Of the 17 documented instances of The Crafty One getting pocket rockets, I won with them 88.2 percent of the time, with (of course) a 100% VPIP, and "winnings" of $11,000 (tournament chips, not bux) I did notice that I PFR'd only 53% of the time; that smells like I'm being too cute with them, but I'll have to think about that later. So take that, you nattering nabobs of negativity! Aces rock!

Of course, the greater teachiing opportunities arise from adversity, and towards that end, would anyone care to guess the hand on which I've lost the most, or the most times? I'll give you my bottom four.

Honorable mention for Hands What Cost Me The Most Schiarole goes to...pocket 7's.  Despite winning with them at a 66% clip (16/24), I've lost more than $3700 T$ with them.  Tread lightly with 7's, lad.

Bronze medal is proudly worn by...A2 s00ted, with which I've lost twice for every time I've won (4/12) and lost big - T$5300.  Ace rag, man, it'll just friggin kill you every time - or 2 times out of 3.

The Silver medalist in the Hands of Ignominy competition goes to...QJo, which despite a 50% winning clip (23/45) had lost me T$5455. Like A2, when I win, I win small, and when I lose I lose big.   Not the winning formula.

And the Gold medal, the Bruce Jenner of the Bad Hand, with great honor, pomp and circumstance, goes to... KJo.  That's right - the Seabrook Nuts! That hand has lost me more than any other hand I have; $T5578 has gone right down the shitter because of KJo.

These four hands share the same commonalities:

• A VPiP of over 75% (well, QJ was 74.4, but you get it)
• I PFR'd at an over 50% clip
• If I clean up my game to the tune of those four hands, my game would transition from slightly under break-even to slightly over it. 

FOUR HANDS turn me from a winner to a loser.  But at least now I know.

Until next time, please remember that knowledge is power, which is good because gas is $3.50 a goddamn gallon.

I'll take "Incredibly Inappropriate Overreaction for $2000, Please."

So I thought I'd follow in the footsteps of every luckbox sonofabitch who entered and won a supersatellite, then won the satellite for entry to the big dance, then won or cashed huge, to turn 50 full-tilt points into eighteen grand and a sponsorship deal.  I've been entering step 0 tourneys, the prize for which is a step 1 ticket, then parlaying that into step 2 tickets, etc.  My eventual hope is to cash big while risking no more than a buck. So far I've been collecting step 2 tickets as I muster up thr courage to use them.

Anyway, I decided to splurge and spend $3 (I was out of step 1'ers) on a six-person 1 table, the wages of winning is yet another step 2 ticket.  So I'm doing my thing, trying as best I can to pick my spots, find the opportunities for stealing, etc.  One such had I'm dealt JQ in position and I decide to raise.  I get called.  The flop comes A-A-J.  Now I'm either way out in front or I'm crushed.  I decide to bet out to see where I am.  My bet was probably bigger than it should have been, but either way, my opponent raises me big and I fold, which was the only thing to do.

Out of the clear blue sky the dude to my right, who was not in the hand, starts in on me.

other guy:  god your an idiot - why didnt u call
me:  what's it to you?
other guy: such a fuc' ing joke
me:  dude, it's a $3 game, why don't you just relax
other guy:  whats $3 got to do with it
me:  none of us are Doyle Brunson, that's why we're swimming in the shallow end.  Besides, you weren't even in the hand, so why don't you STFU
other guy: such an idiot

bottom line, it came down to heads up between mr. happy-pants and me. He sucks out on me with a miracle flush on the river.  He sucks out on me with a three-outer to almost tie the score.  All the while I'm saying precisely NOTHING. It's part of poker and I would never call someone an idiot, especially when they're playing poorly.  Why on earth would I want to clue someone in to the fact that they're playing poorly?  Besides which, it was all good as I got all my chips back within 10 hands.

Anyway, the last hand of the game came on my button (gross). He min-raised, which I took to mean he had a decent hand but not a great one. I had 79o, but it was only 240 to call and I had a 7000-2000 lead on him.  Call.

The flop came 599.  I had flopped a set.  Like an (let's all say it together) idiot, he bets 560.  I re-raise, he shoves, I call.  He turns over A8.  Before the turn he says

other guy: what a joke

He was drawing dead to running aces.  I took the opportunity to administer the needle just a little bit:

me:  yes, quite a joke, getting you to move in drawing dead.  One wonders who the idiot is now
me:  well nighty night big talker

Mmm-mmm! There is nothing tastier than an asshole getting his comeuppance.  Tastes like chocolate-flavored pussy. I could eat it and eat it until that membrane under my tongue rips and causes me three days of not-easily-explainable pain.

Seriously, how pathetic is it getting all bent out of shape at a $3 table?  What a tool.  And guess what?  CANADIAN.

So until next time, please remember not to fucking cross me if there's less than five bucks on the line.