I Hate Porn

You heard me. Listen, if I wanted to watch someone having sex, who really doesn't WANT to have sex, with someone she likely fucking hates, I'll film myself with my wife.

Seriously - out here in real life, is it ever necessary to spit on your dick after 20 minutes of foreplay to get it to glide in and out? No. Usually, the participants of sexual congress usually somewhat LIKE EACH OTHER.

Take me, for example. Every woman I've been with, despite what can only be described as clumsy technique, has been physiologically ready to receive Little Jake after some foreplay -- or at least a promise to clean the cat box.

But these women, these porn stars...their only true acting skill is transforming a wince of pain to a moan that at least approximates pleasure. No blame to them - they do six scenes a day with guys with, let's face it, gigantic dicks, without any real sexual interest, passion, or Heaven forbid, love. But Jesus F.X. Tap Dancing Christ! Who wants to see that?

Now I know what you're saying: There's always so-called amateur porn. Yes, the women are properly proportioned - in other words they haven't had plastic surgery that renders them buoyant - and they're undoubtedly having a good time. But the video quality is horseshit. It's like listening to a sex bootleg.

I know that my opinion is not common among men. Hell, it's a 13 billion dollar industry. Mostly because there are people in the world like my boy Frankie. Frank is an uber-successful cat in the corporate world and one of the smartest men I've ever met, but all this guy's smarts goes out the window when it comes to porn.

Ever been to a porn store? There are racks of new releases on DVD, that have 70 minutes of whatever kink you're interested in, for $59.95. There are also, in as plain sight as the new releases, the shit they released last year and the year before that. SIX HOURS of the same kind of scenes as in the new release rack - just shot last year - for NINE FUCKING DOLLARS. Six hours of porn! Even if you like porn, six goddamn hours of porn will last you 18 months!

But Frank makes a beeline for the new releases and pays sixty bucks for his porn. Yes, he's an idiot. But he's an idiot who loves new porn.

Oh, and mushrooms too. I hate mushrooms. Yes, even amateur mushrooms.