Friday, October 22, 2010

I Hate Porn


You heard me. Listen, if I wanted to watch someone having sex, who really doesn't WANT to have sex, with someone she likely fucking hates, I'll film myself with my wife.

Seriously - out here in real life, is it ever necessary to spit on your dick after 20 minutes of foreplay to get it to glide in and out? No. Usually, the participants of sexual congress usually somewhat LIKE EACH OTHER.

Take me, for example. Every woman I've been with, despite what can only be described as clumsy technique, has been physiologically ready to receive Little Jake after some foreplay -- or at least a promise to clean the cat box.

But these women, these porn stars...their only true acting skill is transforming a wince of pain to a moan that at least approximates pleasure. No blame to them - they do six scenes a day with guys with, let's face it, gigantic dicks, without any real sexual interest, passion, or Heaven forbid, love. But Jesus F.X. Tap Dancing Christ! Who wants to see that?

Now I know what you're saying: There's always so-called amateur porn. Yes, the women are properly proportioned - in other words they haven't had plastic surgery that renders them buoyant - and they're undoubtedly having a good time. But the video quality is horseshit. It's like listening to a sex bootleg.

I know that my opinion is not common among men. Hell, it's a 13 billion dollar industry. Mostly because there are people in the world like my boy Frankie. Frank is an uber-successful cat in the corporate world and one of the smartest men I've ever met, but all this guy's smarts goes out the window when it comes to porn.

Ever been to a porn store? There are racks of new releases on DVD, that have 70 minutes of whatever kink you're interested in, for $59.95. There are also, in as plain sight as the new releases, the shit they released last year and the year before that. SIX HOURS of the same kind of scenes as in the new release rack - just shot last year - for NINE FUCKING DOLLARS. Six hours of porn! Even if you like porn, six goddamn hours of porn will last you 18 months!

But Frank makes a beeline for the new releases and pays sixty bucks for his porn. Yes, he's an idiot. But he's an idiot who loves new porn.

Oh, and mushrooms too. I hate mushrooms. Yes, even amateur mushrooms.

9 comments:

  1. I don't like mushrooms either, but I don't mind a little porn. :)

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  2. "Yes, the women are properly proportioned - in other words they haven't had plastic surgery that renders them buoyant."

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  3. I saw a new porno movie that came out last week -- "Josie and the Catty Pussy" -- directed by Little Jake Bruin. I think I smell a rat here ...

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  4. @lightning: Hey Hey Hey...you wait just one moment there chief.

    Leave the Bruins out of this. They've got lawyers.

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  5. Porn makes the world go'round.

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  6. Schaubs, Gary hates porn the way I hate pizza. Mmmmmm

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  7. That's correct - I hate porn with sausages.

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  8. Does hatred extend to girl on girl porn?

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  9. Bayne-

    Girl-on-girl wasn't my favorite even in my teens when porn ruled (When I was 19 I entered a masturbation contest - I came in 1st, 4th, and 7th).

    The basic rule of thumb is this: The porn that I find most, er, satisfying is where the participants are enjoying themselves. So - lesbian porn, usually good, except when the ladies are using tools that make them wince in pain, like the gigantic rubber dongs they tend to use.

    Welcome to the site - feel free to drop by any time.

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