Thursday, March 29, 2012

In Which I Trump Josie's Advice on How to Get Laid in Three Words

**NSFW** You want to get laid more?  I got the answer, Bunky. Three simple words.

This works especially well if you want to practice the three F's - Find 'em, Fuck 'em, Forget 'em - but with a little adjustment will also work if you want a relationship, in which case if you follow my simple advice you will wear the pants forever and always sit in the driver's seat.

The three words, words which all men should endeavor to remember forever, are these: CHICKS DIG JERKS.

It's true. They don't want you to seem vulnerable.  They don't want you to be gentle with them.  They want you to show dominance, aggression, and objectification.  They want you to be flawed but not so much that they can't believe they can fix you.  They want you to be a rebel, a James Dean for the modern era.  And if you aren't that, friend, you ain't got a chance.  If, for example, you're a CPA, your chances are pretty slim, unless you're the accountant to the Mob or something dangerous.

Most women don't want gentle lovemaking.  In my experience the last thing they want is hearts and flowers.  During sex they don't want to hear "I love you," they want to hear "I love your cunt." They want to be told that they give the best blowjobs ever, that their snapper is as tight and as small as an underripe peach, even if you have to tie a board across your ass to stop you from falling in.

Now this does not mean that you should actually treat them poorly.  I said chicks dig jerks, not scumbags. I should hope you'd know the difference.  The whole thing is a little dance, something that makes it seem like you are treating them poorly without really doing so, especially in bed. A lot of girls like to have their hair pulled a little bit, to show dominance and a little force.  But for chrissakes, no girl wants it to really hurt.

Something also for you guys: Here's a foolproof line for that awkward first kiss.  It's simple, and you can make it funny if you want.  The line is:  "So, I'm going to kiss you now."  You can add something like "...so, if you want to call the cops, now is probably the time.  If not..." and close the gap.

However Josie is right on one point, that of being funny:  make them laugh.  NOTHING IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THAT.

As for vulnerability, that has to wait until the initial dance is over. They don't want you telling them a story about Fluffy, your Shih-Tzu dog growing up that died and you wept for days until you're actually in a relationship.

And speaking of relationship, if you want one with this girl, meaning that you love her or you really think you are going to fall in love, here's what you have to do:  IGNORE EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN HERE. This is a guide to get laid; love is a whole different thing. Be yourself; if love blooms it has to bloom with the real you.  And if she doesn't love you for yourself, you're in for two years of crying over her, wondering just where everything went wrong, and begging her to be a part of your life again. But after that, you know, things are gonna be fine.  Well, not fine, more like fucking miserable. But still.  That's love for you! It's wacky.

27 comments:

  1. Ahem....

    1.) No link love? For shame!

    2.) You did NOT trump me. Not even fucking close. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

    3.) Who is Bunky?

    4.) Bunky, chicks don't dig jerks.

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    Replies
    1. 1. Sorry, Josie.

      2. Oh yes I did.

      3. We are all Bunky. And Bunky is all of us.

      4. Yes they do. They don't ever admit it, hence your comment, but they do. Oh yes.

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    2. There are more chicks that dig jerks than are dumb. I've known some smart girls who dug jerks - one was an actual genius.

      I think the fact that one doesn't dig jerks doesn't have anything to do with intelligence. It's something else, but I don't know what it is.

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    3. There are more chicks that dig jerks than are dumb? Wrong! How many chicks do you know that you are basing this interesting but ridiculous statistic on? Lol

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    4. Not mentally dumb,emotionally dumb. Sorry should have clarified.

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    5. @Carmel, that's probably it, actually.

      @Josie Girl, are you suggesting that chicks are mostly stupid? That's just rude.

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    6. No. I'm suggesting your silly statement is stupid .....perhaps that's rude too.

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    7. It is, but so's this: YOU'RE stupid.

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  2. Many women, maybe most of them, do dig jerks. At least until they learn that jerks are not the kind to stick around when things get difficult/emotional/personal. Until they learn that, most of them want the somewhat bad boy, the one thats a little dangerous but one they feel they can fix. Because women are mothers at heart and nothing brings out the mothering instinct like fixing someone's life.
    Many women are insecure about themselves, especially when they're young. Who wouldn't be when you are constantly told you need to wear these fashions, you need to look like these models, you need to have whiter teeth, pushed up breasts, no wrinkles or acne, etc. When every ad features a size 0 model how does it make a normal gal feel? So when a guy mistreats them a bit, they feel they deserve it and want the guy even more.
    Eventually the smarter ones figure it out and then they're willing to look at the good guys. Some never do. You see them on episodes of Cops

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  3. Well put Neo, and it goes without saying I couldn't agree more.

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  4. i thought the 3 words were gonna be "BE A WOMAN" (until i read the post)

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    Replies
    1. HA! No, being a woman only attracts a certain kind of woman, the kind that rhymes with "shmesbian."

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  5. I'd have to say that it seems to be that many GIRLS want the jerks. When I had a period in my life when I was going through girls like Waffles goes through hand lotion, boom ... I couldn't fight 'em all off. The females who never catch on end up disgruntled with life. As women get older, some seem to wise up. Others end up dissatisfied with life and have no idea how they ended up the way they did.

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    1. Lightning, I would bet a year's pay that there was never a phase of your life where you were fighting off women. I can believe you were beating off TO women, but that's as far as I'm willing to go.

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    2. You boys just made my point. Ignorant and emotionally stunted women want jerks. Don't ask me why. Can't say. I personally only dig nice guys.

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  6. Gary: Please transfer the money to my PayPal account. Perhaps I should share it with ... Selina, Rhonda, Faith, Laura, Teresa, Mary Kay, Mary Ellen, Angie, Janet, Karen, Deanna, Marilyn, Bonnie, Lisa, Peggy, Cari, ...

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  7. Even the girls in your twisted imagination are Catholic. That's hardcore, man. Catty-chism.

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  8. Ok - Starting tomorrow in my class I'm going to start being a jerk.
    If I get to bang any of the Asian broads before I get a job I'll know that your advice worked.


    Thanks Gary

    Also, chicks do dig jerks, sometimes they get over it and "settle" for nice assholes like me - sometimes they stay in their cycle and don't understand why they are nothing more than a booty call to the married guy - To each their own I guess

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  9. Replies
    1. Who, you and me, or you and Grrouch? 'Cause if we're beefing, it has to be kosher.

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    2. Me and Grrouchie. His comment was a jab at 21 year old me.

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  10. Chicks dig jerks the same way guys dig stupid shallow chicks. If she's skinny and has big tits, a lot of guys don't give a shit. If a guy is tall handsome and throwing money around, a lot of girls don't give a shit.

    But don't go thinking it's a "technique." If you think you can just walk into a bar and start being an asshole so chick will flock to you, you're an idiot.

    You really can't "act" like anything and get chicks. You can improve your technique, but it's still your real self you are selling. Having a plan can help your confidence, but it's the confidence that's working, not the plan.

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  11. I was waiting for the comments...

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