In Which I Trump Josie's Advice on How to Get Laid in Three Words

**NSFW** You want to get laid more?  I got the answer, Bunky. Three simple words.

This works especially well if you want to practice the three F's - Find 'em, Fuck 'em, Forget 'em - but with a little adjustment will also work if you want a relationship, in which case if you follow my simple advice you will wear the pants forever and always sit in the driver's seat.

The three words, words which all men should endeavor to remember forever, are these: CHICKS DIG JERKS.

It's true. They don't want you to seem vulnerable.  They don't want you to be gentle with them.  They want you to show dominance, aggression, and objectification.  They want you to be flawed but not so much that they can't believe they can fix you.  They want you to be a rebel, a James Dean for the modern era.  And if you aren't that, friend, you ain't got a chance.  If, for example, you're a CPA, your chances are pretty slim, unless you're the accountant to the Mob or something dangerous.

Most women don't want gentle lovemaking.  In my experience the last thing they want is hearts and flowers.  During sex they don't want to hear "I love you," they want to hear "I love your cunt." They want to be told that they give the best blowjobs ever, that their snapper is as tight and as small as an underripe peach, even if you have to tie a board across your ass to stop you from falling in.

Now this does not mean that you should actually treat them poorly.  I said chicks dig jerks, not scumbags. I should hope you'd know the difference.  The whole thing is a little dance, something that makes it seem like you are treating them poorly without really doing so, especially in bed. A lot of girls like to have their hair pulled a little bit, to show dominance and a little force.  But for chrissakes, no girl wants it to really hurt.

Something also for you guys: Here's a foolproof line for that awkward first kiss.  It's simple, and you can make it funny if you want.  The line is:  "So, I'm going to kiss you now."  You can add something like "...so, if you want to call the cops, now is probably the time.  If not..." and close the gap.

However Josie is right on one point, that of being funny:  make them laugh.  NOTHING IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THAT.

As for vulnerability, that has to wait until the initial dance is over. They don't want you telling them a story about Fluffy, your Shih-Tzu dog growing up that died and you wept for days until you're actually in a relationship.

And speaking of relationship, if you want one with this girl, meaning that you love her or you really think you are going to fall in love, here's what you have to do:  IGNORE EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN HERE. This is a guide to get laid; love is a whole different thing. Be yourself; if love blooms it has to bloom with the real you.  And if she doesn't love you for yourself, you're in for two years of crying over her, wondering just where everything went wrong, and begging her to be a part of your life again. But after that, you know, things are gonna be fine.  Well, not fine, more like fucking miserable. But still.  That's love for you! It's wacky.