Thursday, May 31, 2012

What a Day

A day that starts out with you dealing with government bureaucracy is destined to end poorly, and my brothers and sisters, this one was no exception.

I had to make an appearance at the Thomas P. O'Neill Federal Building in downtown Boston today.  It was going to be so easy.  Easy in, easy out, maybe lunch with Josie (who works just a few hundred yards from there) and back home. I was brimming with optimism that turned out to be entirely unwarranted.

I was at the Federal Building to get a passport renewed; mine expired about two months ago, go figure.  Also - and this should be no surprise to those who know me - I procrastinated to the extent that I had to get it renewed in person, which was more money.  They also saw fit to levy a $40 "security fee." This apparently served to separate me from $40 quite securely. Between all the rigmarole and hassle it ended up costing me over $200.

But I was not done spending money.

Because apparently, completely unbeknownst to me, I parked in a commercial-only zone. And I got ticketed.  So the city of Boston profited from my visit to the tune of an additional $55 - pretty fucking expensive for a parking ticket, but whatever.  I looked up and indeed saw a sign that said commercial only that I didn't notice.  So it's not like I got hosed or anything; as a matter of fact the meter cop called me  "honey" and told me I'd better get a move on as a wrecker was pulling up ready to tow my ass. So I needed to get going, so going I got.  Goodbye lunch with Josie! (That's assuming she was available and willing; I never discussed it with her).  I got in and got going.  Arrivederci,  Boston!

But I was not done spending money.

As I was driving home, I noticed that my car started sounding louder than normal.  I couldn't place it, but I knew that I'd heard that noise before.

When did I hear that?

It seems to be getting louder.  Every time I pass a car I can hear the reflection of my car making all kinds of noise.

What the fuck is that?

OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS.  I HAVE A...

BOOM!

Flat tire. And now, what I have is better described as several strands of rubber loosely arranged around a rim that is making contact with the highway at 50 mph.

So it's the side of the road for your old pal Crafty.  At very least, I have most of an iced coffee and my Kindle to keep me company until help arrives.  Help, in this case, is triple-A, those evil thieving bastards who wouldn't replace my obviously defective battery.  But - they got there in about 45 minutes, threw my space-saver on, and off I went. So that's probably another $100 for a tire, or perhaps two, because I should probably buy them in pairs.

But I am not done spending money. Maybe.

It might just be the fact that there's a donut on my car, but about halfway between where I blew (hee hee) the tire and home, my ABS light comes up and my OBD computer tells me that I need to do some worrying about my brake system.

So far this fucking day has cost me $400, and if I need to get a new ABS assembly I might as well just buy a new car.  If there were ever an instance where I should end a post in three letters it is this one.

FML.

Monday, May 28, 2012

I Fucking Hate Poker

What a day at the cash game.  It started with sweet sweet triumph:  I got AA on the button, it was folded to me, I made a standard raise (1.50), SB raised to $4, I raised to $13, he shoved, I called, he had JJ, my aces held up and boom! quick double up.

After that, I could do nothing right. My top 2 pair were munched by a pocket pair that hit; my nut straight on the flop was counterfeited by runner-runner flush; my AQ lost to AK; the list goes on and on.

With those hands I could at least console myself that I didn't lose THAT much dough; I didn't do any donkey overbetting.  But I did actually end up losing all my dough.  Which ain't good; I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

The hand that felted me was this: Seat 2 is UTG+2, standard raises. I am in seat 6 and call with Ad9d. It's just me and him.  Flop is 9 high crap - no straight draw, no flush draw. Dude bets into me reasonably heavy. I figure nobody who has caught a hand with that board that could beat me would bet heavy on the flop - an overpair or a set would check the flop and wait for me to be a donkeydouche. So I put him on two high cards, making my TPTK way ahead. So I shove - at this point I was so battered that I was under $20 - and sure enough, he calls with AKo.

Do I have to even say what happened?  Dinkus catches his 3-outer on the river and gg Crafty. I got my money in as an 88.5% - 11.5% favorite; how much better do I have to fucking play? I called his hand perfectly and got him to call my shove. And he STILL wins.

You know, these last few weeks, maybe a month or two, win or lose, hands have been holding up.  When I won, it's because I had the better hand all along.  When I lost, I didn't. I can deal with that - even if I lose by doing something stupid and can recognize and learn from it. So maybe, since the poker gods have looked upon me with whatever favor they deigned to spare me, I'm now unused to the cruelty that the game can show. And today Dame Fortune bitch-slapped me like I talked bad about her mama.

It's been a frustrating evening.  I fucking hate this game sometimes.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Two Things I Swear I Won't Forget

I'll start with the less important one first, if that's all right with y'all.

I mentioned just a few posts ago that baseball came to my consciousness in 1975, when the Red Sox made the playoffs for the first time in my young life.  My brother and I recorded game 1 of the ALCS between the Red Sox and the A's (this was before VCR's; we tape-recorded the audio), and we listened to the play by play of the end of the gane over and over again.  Dick Stockton, who'd go on to careers and CBS and Fox, and Ken Harrelson, who would be the nauseating homer for the ChiSox, were behind the mic.  The last play was a "soft pop-up" to foul territory near third base. Petrocelli made the easy play and Stockton boomed "and he...MAKES THE CATCH! And the Red Sox have won the first one in this..." Unfortunately that's where we stopped recording, so that's the only snippet of the play by play that is in my memory. The world probably knows his call of Carlton Fisk's extra-innings home run clanking off the left-field foul pole in the 1975 World Series. But I'll always have that little stupid memory of the very end of game one of the LCS, and I bet my brother and I are the only ones who do.

But to this day I have a soft spot for Dick Stockton.  Yesterday he called the Fox game between the Red Sox and the Rays.  Jarrod Saltalamacchia hit a walk-off home run and I got chills listening to his call.  After all these years it still is good to hear Stockton announce a Sox win.

The other thing I won't forget is that it's Memorial Day.  You know, I personally think that people give a gravity to Veteran's Day that they don't give Memorial Day, and I think that's a shame.  Because Memorial Day commemorates not "just" those who served and fought, but those who fought and fell for their country. Hordes of draftees, almost against their will serving their country but doing it with courage, wide-eyed, knowing their peril.  And, you know, in World War II at least, there were lots of mmissions that were designed to delay the enemy with no real expectation of actually stopping them.  A company of soldiers being told, for example, to hold a bridge as long as they can to give the larger batallion time to move.  Basically a suicide mission; don't get killed unless you have to.

And killed they were, by the hundreds of thousands.  Half a million men - the future of the USA - died in places they'd never heard of before, like Okinawa, Midway, the Ardennes forest, El-Alamein, and Normandy.  And they should be remembered with reverence, and honor, not necessarily with a barbeque.

Remember these men and women. They served their country and paid the ultimate price for it.

Friday, May 25, 2012

History Friday: The Christmas Truce

Part I: The Runup to Disaster

For this story to make sense, you have to understand the differences between World Wars I and II.

World War II was a noble war, a war that inflamed the passions of the home front and the soldiery of all the Allied countries.  France was conquered; England was buckling under Hitler's constant assaults; and the United States had to fight two wars, both of them "just:" They virtually alone had to fight the Japanese in the Pacific (sure, Britain helped, but mostly just enough to get their asses kicked by the Japanese) as well as quarterback the war against the Nazis.  Able-bodied men lined up at the enlistment stations by the tens of thousands to fight the "Japs" or the "Nazzees", as the vernacular of the day had them.

But World War I, or The Great War as it was called at the time, was fought because of paper.

The story starts with the Austro-Hungarian Empire, which not only comprised the two eponymous countries but also both sides of the former Czechoslovakia, Herzegovina, Yugoslavia, Croatia, Slovenia, and big chunks of other central-European countries like Romania.  It was a giant empire and at the time - 1899 - one of the world's eminent powers.

The Crown Prince of the Empire, a cat named Rudolph, committed suicide, leaving his cousin Karl Ludwig as the heir apparent.  Rather than take on his responsibilities as Next In Line, he decided rather to die of typhus - everyone makes choices, I guess. That left his son, the then-36 year old Franz Ferdinand, as the Royal Dauphin. He was given the title of Archduke and groomed for the eventual throne.

He spent 15 presumably happy years as Crown Prince, did Franz Ferdinand; despite his increased responsibilities he continued an aggressive schedule of leisure pursuits such as hunting and traveling, and waiting for the sitting Emperor, Franz Joseph, with whom he did not get along, to die.

However his happy life was put to an abrupt and ugly end on June 28, 1914, when an anarchist named Gavrilo Princip, who was a member of a group called Young Bosnia, shot the Archduke in the neck; he died a few minutes later. Princip was only 19. Being underage he did not receive the death penalty but was given a 20-year sentence; he served less than four years of it before succumbing to tuberculosis and malnutrition in prison. Archduke Franz Ferdinand was 50.

At Princip's trial, it came out the he had received help from a number of members of the Serbian military. This not only incensed the Austro-Hungarians but also gave them an opportunity to stir up conflict with the Serbian Empire, whom they viewed as a threat.  They wrote up a series of corrective and punitive actions that Serbia would have to accept called The July Ultimatum, most of which were nothing more than blatant attempts at humiliation that the Serbians would never accept. Winston Churchill called the document "...the most insolent document of its kind ever devised."  When they did in fact reject the Ultimatums outright, Austro-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

Now Serbia had a treaty with Russia, and knew that she would ally herself with Serbia. After a month of posturing and dirty politics, it shook down that Russia, Great Britain, and France were allied against the Austro-Hungarians and Germany, each nation declaring War against the other side starting July 31, 1914. The Great War had begun.

Part 2: The Fighting and the Truce

So now you had, on the war's northern front, the French and the British fighting the Germans, none of whose soldiers were passionate about the cause. In fact the Allies found that they had much more in common socially with the Germans as opposed to the more Eastern-European peoples like the Serbs, with whom they were nominally allied.  Still, soldiers they were, and they dug giant trenches and fired at each other, the front lines moving inch by inch back and forth.

The common thinking among the soldiery was that the war would be coming to a swift end, being fought as it was over "a scrap of paper" - the treaties that bound one country's fortunes to another. So they were dispassionate about the cause as well as ambivalent towards the enemy himself.

Even before Christmastime, the war was remarkably civilised according to today's standards; they often agreed to cease-fire at certain times to recover the bodies of the dead. There was also an unspoken agreement between the two sides that if soldiers were outside the trenches working or exercising that they would not be fired upon.

About a week before Christmas the British forces would start hearing Christmas carols being sung by the Germans.  Before long the British were singing their carols back to them.

On Christmas Eve, the German side, in addition to singing its carols, decorated their trenches with candles and any other such cheer as they could contrive.  They also started shouting Christmas greetings to the British (and to a lesser extent the French), who would shout them back.

Then, remarkably, the soldiers of both sides started walking, tentatively at first, towards no-man's land. They shook hands, exchanged greetings and small gifts. Along the entire front, which stretched from the North Sea all the way down to Switzerland, over 100,000 troops laid down their arms and observed Christmas with their nominal enemies. In several areas someone would produce a soccer ball and the two sides would play a spirited game together.

Bruce Bairnsfather, a military cartoonist, remembers things this way:
"I wouldn't have missed that unique and weird Christmas Day for anything. ... I spotted a German officer, some sort of lieutenant I should think, and being a bit of a collector, I intimated to him that I had taken a fancy to some of his buttons. ... I brought out my wire clippers and, with a few deft snips, removed a couple of his buttons and put them in my pocket. I then gave him two of mine in exchange. ... The last I saw was one of my machine gunners, who was a bit of an amateur hairdresser in civil life, cutting the unnaturally long hair of a docile [German], who was patiently kneeling on the ground whilst the automatic clippers crept up the back of his neck."
The two sides would often observe joint burial ceremonies, after which neither side would feel much like creating more carnage.

So Christmas Day turned into Christmas Night, and with the exchanging of gifts and pleasantries exchanged, the kick-arounds of the soccer ball ended due to darkness, and the dead buried with honor, both sides returned to their trenches, but in many places neither side chose to take up arms just yet. In many places the truce resulted in dramatically reduced hostilities until the New Year.  There are several tales of each side deliberately firing over the heads of the enemy.  One story, perhaps apocryphal, tells of a British soldier accidentally firing low and killing a German soldier.  The Brit shouted his apologies to the opposing trench for the unintended death.

Well, eventually the Generals finally got a hold of their troops again and demanded that the soldiers do their job, which they eventually did.  One soldier's account of the resumption of the hostilities had his commanding officer firing three times into the air, hoisting a flag that said "Merry Christmas," and rising out of the trench to salute his counterpart in the German trench.  When they got back into the trench, the German commander fired into the air, and the truce was over.

The war did not end quickly. In fact it was 1918 before the US entered the war and tipped the scales to the Allies' side. The eventual use of poison gas by both sides would dehumanize the enemy, putting to an end any subsequent attempts at truce.  But for one day, both sides in a horrible conflict put down their guns and extended a gesture of peace and goodwill to the other, and created a small oasis of humanity in the ocean of war that Europe had become. For those who took part, it created an indelible impression that they kept with them for the rest of their lives.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Fucked

Well, Typhoid Tootsie is once again in the bloom of health.  However - and I swear I saw this coming - she has given her upper respiratory cha cha to your obedient servant, The Crafty One. Coughing, sore throat, pulmonary discharge the color of St. Patrick's Day, malaise and misery.

I hate sick people. Well, that's not entirely true.  I guess right now I just hate Toots.

Taking Care of Tootsie - and a Cleaning of the Craniattic

* Toots has a horrible cold, and a sinus infection in the bargain.  So I've been taking care of her as best I can.  It's not that onerous a task; really all she needs is to be kept in water and chicken broth, so my exploits as a caregiver lay mainly unexplored. Unfortunately it kiboshed my plans to attend, for the first time, a storage unit auction that was taking place in the next town over, and now I have to wait until next week some time. She's had the last two days off to be miserable, but she sounds a lot better today and an even better sign is she picked a fight with me.  She'll be back to work tomorrow.

* It took the better part of five weeks, but yesterday was the first day I've had completely without pain from having broken a couple of ribs.  I can breathe as deeply as I want, bend any which way my disgusting, gargantuan, ooze-filled body will let me, sleep on my right side, sneeze, cough, everything.  This particular long dark nightmare of the soul is, at long last, behind me.

* I just watched the Red Sox' ceremony commemorating the 100th birthday of Fenway Park.  I have to say I'm just a sucker for that kind of stuff.  They invited everyone who ever wore a uniform for the Sox to come back and be a part of it. From the most transient baseball B-player that ever passed through town on the way to baseball oblivion, to icons whose names will never be forgotten, every last one of them who showed up were honored.

For me, baseball came to be in 1975.  When the Sox made the playoffs and swept the A's in the ALCS, I had just turned seven. And the starting lineup of that squad is still burned into my head: Yaz, Rice, Lynn, and Evans in the outfield (spelled by Carbo); Petrocelli, Burleson, Doyle, and big Cecil Cooper patrolling the infield.  To see those guys, and the players of the '80s and '90s, that toiled in unheralded mediocrity, stand up and take one last bow in a Red Sox uni, was quite a touching sight.

* I leave for my cruise June 10th, a mere 17 days from now, with my wife and my mother.  If I don't come back, please remember I'm fond of you all, except for those of you of whom I am not fond.

I'm actually looking forward to it, not the least reason of which is that the ship spreads a $1/$2 cash game, my wheelhouse.  If things go the way they went last time, the table will be full of amateurs, slicksters with Fancy Play Syndrome (hey, Chi!), and youngsters trying to impress their arm candy who are sweating them and making faces when they see his cards. And every last one of them will be half in the wrapper on cheap cruise booze. I hope to make back the cost of the cruise; I really think it's a realistic goal. And shit - now that the cruise sails out of Boston, I might just take it all four times next year, get me a cheap indoor cabin instead of the suite I need when Toots is sailing with me, and make some VERY relaxing money. This I promise: I will return and regale all with tales of the table, whether the sweet side or the bitter.

Also they have a kind of steak they call "flatiron" that has all the flavor of a strip but is tender like a filet.  I really have to be careful because six or seven of those and I start getting the grumbellies.

* I have developed several guilty television pleasures recently: Storage Wars, Criminal Minds, and Duck Dynasty have become excellent ways to waste all kinds of time. Which is good, because even though Scrubs is on 35 times a day, one does want for something different.  I've never been a big TV guy, other than televised sports, of course. But as I get older (more indolent?) I find my quality standards dropping, dropping, dropping. And if there's a show that makes a half-hour go by without me having to think in any possible way, that's 30 minutes well-spent.

* History Friday's topic is still up in the air.  Finalists include the origin of the Jeep, the Hatfield-McCoy feud, and the 1914 unofficial Christmas truce.  Anyone have opinions or suggestions?  And yes, Carmel, I will shortly be doing one on Operation Mincemeat but it's long and involved and because of all the names and dates it will require research. So: later.

Well I suppose that's enough: it's 1:30 and I wanted to get some early sleep tonight. Fat chance of that, but I'm gonna try. Stay cool, cats and kittens! And remember: I think you're all grand.



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sure, It's a Shithole - But It Was MY Shithole

Observant readers of TBC's blog and my little chucklefest may have noted that as the Rootin' Tootin' TBC Traveling Train Wreck pulled into Cleveland, I made a few suggestions as to where he may wish to stay, should he decide to stay put for more than a month or so, recommended a good restaurant that I know for a fact serves milk, and generated a knowledge of Cleveland that only a local would know.

This is because for six years, Cleveland was my home, and they were six reasonably happy years. And yes, the years I lived there, 1994-2000, coincided with a certain city renaissance, but I do not cling that tightly to the theory that its rebirth was mostly my doing.

And yes: Cleveland, as it is right now, has ebbed pretty low. And when I got there in the mid-90's it wasn't a whole lot better. But even then, as now, Cleveland had, and has, a lot to like about it.

Cleveland is:
  • Inexpensive to live.  There are several suburbs of Cleveland that are inexpensive and full of housing stock in good condition in good neighborhoods. Two-family homes pepper just about every area in every suburb so there is plenty of rental stock, but a young family just starting out can have their choice of 40 different houses under $100,000 pretty much anywhere they want to.

    When Toots and I moved there we bought a beautiful old 1500 square foot arts-and-crafts home in a suburb called Garfield Heights, with leaded-glass built-in cabinets and windows, hardwood floors, gigantic crown molding, a butler's pantry, the whole bit.  It cost us $75,000.  Our mortgage payment was $503. My mother was more or less on the next plane when she heard the news; she could not wrap her head around the fact that in the United States there was a place that was not riddled with crime, drugs, and vermin that could be had for 75 grand.  She was surprised, if pleased, when she saw the evidence.
Our first house, Garfield Hts, OH.  That monster on the left is a Rose of Sharon bush apparently left alone for years.

They carpeted my living room, the philistines.  But check out the leaded-glass windows and the fireplace detail
Beautiful leaded-glass cabinets, and at the top of the photo you can see the fixture Toots and I bought at an antique shop
How many houses built in the '20s have a huge walk-in closet?

  • A Top-Tier city when it comes to entertainment and services.  The city's largest hospital, the Cleveland Clinic, is recognized the world over for its cardiac and oncology care.  When I lived there the news would run a story about this Sheikh or that Eastern European despot dictator flying to Cleveland to be treated by the Clinic every other week, seemingly. The Cleveland Symphony, if that's your bag, also has a world-wide reputation - for years its lead conductor was Christophe von Dochnyanyi, one of the world's foremost. More to my taste, the Indians play at a beautiful, spacious ballpark with excellent sight lines and inexpensive tickets - and, by the way, $10 parking. Plus football, basketball, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - all downtown within a few blocks of each other.
  • The proud owner of an extensive city park system.  Nicknamed "The Emerald Necklace," Cleveland's Metroparks system provides the city proper and almost every suburb with well-funded, well cared-for and lovingly used parks.  There was a park entrance at the very end of my street, not 200 yards away from my front door, and Tootsie and I would go there and (if you can believe it) walk a lap around its path, a measured two miles, at least three days a week.  Strolling it took 20 minutes; I could do it in 15 which would leave me dripping with sweat, which because I am who I am, smelled and tasted like tapioca pudding.

    I miss the parks a great deal; they really added to my stay there.
See why they call it a necklace?
  • A carnivore's dream. Situated as they are at the sort of Eastern Entrance of the Mid-West, the meat to be had there is way better than anything found here in New England (although we kick their ass in fresh fish, of course). They have this place, the West Side Market, where you can buy any kind of meat in any kind of quantity you wish.  Want a whole pig?  How about two pounds of goat shoulder? No prob.  Plus a produce market 1000 feet long, several specialty kiosks selling wares like bread, teas, spices, smoked meats, just about anything you could ever want.  A Saturday morning at the Market was always a good time and I always left with my belly full.
What's not to love?


Relax - it's just spices and stuff


This is a map of about half the place, to give you an idea of scale

I could go on, I guess - C-town, as we call it, has a lot more going for it than this. But she takes a pounding in the press, does our Cleveland, and someone needed to point out that even though it's not exactly Cleveland's Golden Era, she's a good old girl - a tough old broad of a city who can take a good whupping and still be standing at the end.

 And for whatever it's worth, I loved it when I lived there, and I love it still.