Something's Coming...

...something you're not going to want to miss. I don't want to give too much away, but the phrase "Sweetheart of the Internets" may safely be invoked here.

Go see a doctor if you haven't lately.

Calling All Cat People

For those of you who don't know, I have a web site called Conversations with Rusty. Rusty is an orange Persian who isn't precisely affectionate, but is kind of like a sometimes-indifferent buddy. I always thought there might be more going on behind those orange eyes of his. One day after trying to con me into feeding him twice in a day, I started writing these down. I enjoy doing them a great deal. I find it easy to write in a conversational style - where the topic can bounce from one subject to the next in seconds, with asides and digressions, a return to a previous topic or two, a definite flow.

This is a super-secret sneak preview of a conversation that is set to run July 1st, I think. If you like it, there's more where that came from. Click the above link and tell all your crazy cat-people friends!


ME: What was all that destruction a few minutes ago? What the hell were you two up to?
RUSTY: That was all Other Cat's fault.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: What did she do?
RUSTY: She gave me that look that says, roughly, "chase me through the house until we break a lamp," and off we went.
ME: And one time you can't just go back to sleep?
RUSTY: The blood of my Cheetah ancestors runs hot within me.
ME: You're not related to the cheetah, you idiot.
RUSTY: Look it up. They're in Persia.
ME: That means they're your neighbors, not your freakin' grandparents.
RUSTY: Yeah, well, whoever my ancestors were, YOUR ancestors were scared to death of them.
ME: And oh, how the mighty have fallen.
RUSTY: Superior eye-paw coordination.
ME: Walk on two legs.
RUSTY: See six times better than you at night.
ME: Problem-solving skills.
RUSTY: Over 100 million olfactory nerves.
ME: Opposable thumbs. Game, set, match.
RUSTY: (Pauses) Yeah, that's a good one.
ME: Thumbs rule, man.
RUSTY: I could accomplish great things with thumbs.
ME: What's the first thing you do with them?
RUSTY: You mean, after I choke the shit out of you?
ME: Yes, Rusty, after that.
RUSTY: I'd learn to use the doorknob.
ME: And here I was hoping you'd learn to flush the toilet.
RUSTY: Then I'd get in that drawer you keep the catnip in, and I would never leave.
ME: You degenerate.
RUSTY: Ohh man. Do you have any idea what it's like, to breathe in the vapors of a plant and get high?
ME: Let's go with no.
RUSTY: That's too bad, because it's freakin' awesome.
ME: I can only imagine.
RUSTY: After that, I guess, the sky's the limit. Learn to drive, speaking engagements, develop a following, get elected, and run things my way.
ME: Then annex Austria, I'm guessing?
RUSTY: Hitler jokes are NEVER funny.
ME: Sorry, man, but you were heading off the rails a little bit there. Besides, you'd never be elected, what with your catnip problem and everything...
RUSTY: My reputation would be ruined.
ME: Shamed before the world.
RUSTY: CURSE YOU, THUMBS!!!

SHOCKING NEW DEVELOPMENT!

Our own Memphis Mojo is currently one of three remaining players at WSOP Tournament #17, $1000 buy-in Senior's tournament. Heady stuff indeed. Dave, buddy, we're all rooting for you. I'll be railing you 'till the end, or until the Diet Mountain Dew runs out. You can sweat him at http://www.wsop.com/tournaments/updates.asp?grid=1052&tid=13617

Perhaps with your winnings you'd care to invest in my up-and-coming website, www.conversationswithrusty.com. At present our only business is making gratuitous plugs such as this, but we're expanding like the dickens.

Go see a doctor if you haven't recently.

Conversations With Rusty

So I set up a new site, www.conversationswithrusty.com. It will have a new conversation every Tuesday and Friday.  I also have a page on the Eff Bee, www.facebook.com/conversationswithrusty, which is written in Rusty's voice. If you enjoy these little exercises in stupidity, please feel free to like, share, comment, whatever it is you kids do these days.

As a thank you in advance, here's a super long-term sneak preview of a conversation. It's not due to be released until the 17th of June. Please to enjoy.

RUSTY: Hey.
ME: Mmmmm.
RUSTY: Wake up.
ME: Mmmm. Sleepin.
RUSTY: I know you're sleeping. Wake up.
ME: Gettoffame Rusty...
RUSTY (pawing STUPID HUMAN's face): Rise and shii-iine...
ME (fully awake): Jesus Christ Rusty! What? What is it?
RUSTY: I'm bored.
ME: I will rip off your lower jaw and wear it like a necklace.
RUSTY: I will slice your chest in a Y shape and make people think you've already had an autopsy.
ME: I will staple a piece of tuna to your forehead and watch you try to get it for hours.
RUSTY: I will lick the same spot on your body until I reach bone.
ME: I will send you back to the shelter.
RUSTY: Wow. Not cool, man.
ME: You were ok with me ripping off your lower jaw but sending you to the shelter is over the line?
RUSTY: Take it back.
ME: Don't be ridic...
RUSTY: TAKE IT BACK.
ME: OK, OK, I take it back.
RUSTY: Good.
ME: I'm going back to bed now.
RUSTY: You lazy bastard.
ME: You sleep 20 hours a day!
RUSTY: I'm a growing cat.
ME: Your stomach is growing towards the floor, that's true enough...
RUSTY: You calling me fat?
ME: No, I'm just...yes. I'm calling you fat.
RUSTY: That's like calling the black kettle fat.
ME: Gonna want to work on that one.
RUSTY: Why, did I get it wrong?
ME: I'm going back to bed now. If you're still bored, you can take a nap with me.
RUSTY: A nap, eh? Not the worst idea you've ever had. Certainly better than The Kerchief Incident.
ME: I thought you looked good.
RUSTY: I looked like a cowboy with fur.
ME: Wouldn't that be "cowcat?"
RUSTY (lying down): Keep it down, will you? I'm trying to sleep here.
ME: Moo...moooooooo...I'm a cowkitty...mooooo....
RUSTY (drowsily): Very funny...
ME: I'm totally bringing back the kerchief.
RUSTY: zzzzzz.....
ME: Night, cowkitty.

Conversations with Rusty, Episode 4: Stone Walls Nor Iron Bars

ME: No, man.
RUSTY: Why not?
ME: No friggin way, are you kidding me?
RUSTY: Let me tell you something. Cats can't stay cooped up inside. We can only piss in sand for so long. A cat needs to feel grass under his feet.
ME: Well first of all you haven't pissed in sand in four months. You've decided to use the bathtub - where we clean our bodies - as your personal toilet. And we put up with that, because, I don't even know why, because we're half idiots, but we put up with it. But you are not going outside. That's all I need is for you to get run over because you think you can go up against a Buick.
RUSTY: I could take a Buick.
ME: See? That's what I mean. No going outside.
RUSTY: You know, Other Cat wants to go outside too.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: And no, she doesn't. She's happy to stay inside and bat the catnip frog around, maybe roll around in a shirt every now and again. You know, CAT STUFF.
RUSTY: "Maya" is a fool.
ME: No she's not! No she is not! She's a CAT. She doesn't argue with me! She doesn't try and convince me that Hitler lost the war because he was a dog guy!
RUSTY: So it's insults now, because I take a fresh approach to history?
ME: (sighs) All I'm saying is, you're not going outside. Maya is not going outside. You are staying inside.
RUSTY: You know, the fanciest prison in the world is still a prison.
ME: Just stop it.
RUSTY (walking away): Noboooody knows... the trouble I've seen.....

Conversations With Rusty

I have started a new thing on the Eff Bee, wherein I have conversations with my cat Rusty. The first two are pretty short:

RUSTY: Hey. It's time for my god damned dinner.
ME: I fed you like two hours ago.
RUSTY: I know. I was counting on the fact that you'd forget.
ME: Why would you do that?
RUSTY: Works about twice in seven days, actually.
ME: You're kidding me!
RUSTY: And we have this conversation about every other time. But I just roll on my back and show you my belly, and you forget all about it. Like this.
ME: Awww, that's so cute. Who's a cute boy?
RUSTY (to himself): Thaaaat's right. Jump through the hoop!

 

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CONVERSATIONS WITH RUSTY, EPISODE 2

RUSTY: So, thanks for the food and everything. I got you a little something.
ME: Oh, thanks buddy. That's awfully nice of...
RUSTY: You like it?
ME: Where's, uh, where's its head?
RUSTY: That's MY business.
ME: Dude, that's gotta go.

(STUPID HUMAN throws mouse out the back door into the woods)

RUSTY (after a pause) That was a GIFT, you son of a bitch. Good luck finding where I piss tonight.

 

---

 

And now, making its world premiere, Episode 3. Not on the Eff Bee, nowhere but here, an exclusive for my bloggy-boo pals. 

 

 
CONVERSATIONS WITH RUSTY, EPISODE 3

RUSTY: Look, all I'm saying is that I don't really like it when you call me "your pet." Demeans me. Makes it seem like I don't really run the place.
ME: You don't, you idiot. We humans do.
RUSTY: Do you?
ME: Of course we do.
RUSTY: Let me ask you something: When your day begins, where am I?
ME: You're sleeping on my bed.
RUSTY: Leaving behind for the moment the question of whose bed it is, you get ready to start your day, and then what?
ME: Well, nothing. You're usually asleep until 2 in the afternoon.
RUSTY: Precisely. Then I yawn, and stretch, and do what?
ME: You take a piss in the bathtub.
RUSTY: Immediately after which, you do what?
ME: I clean it.
RUSTY: I see.
ME: That doesn't prove anything.
RUSTY: Well, what happens 'round these parts at 6:00 PM?
ME: You whine like a little girl for your dinner.
RUSTY: And what happens if you don't feed me right away?
ME: You wind around my feet until you trip me.
RUSTY (hardens glance for a brief moment): Hurts, doesn't it...(softens glance) but it doesn't often come to that, because why?
ME: Because I feed you.
RUSTY: Because you feed me. And on those rare occasions when your company doesn't bore me to distraction, and I sit down in your vicinity, what happens then?
ME: I pet you, just the way you like to be petted.
RUSTY: In summation, then, you provide me food at my every whim; you provide companionship when I want it and the way I want it; you follow me around and clean up after every emptying of my bladder. Is that about right?
ME (looking down): I suppose.
RUSTY: Who runs the place?
ME: Please don't make me say it.
RUSTY: Who runs the place? I won't ask again.
ME: You do.
RUSTY: That's RIGHT I do. Now break out the catnip; exerting dominance makes me frisky.

The First Time I've Laughed at One of my Own Jokes in a Long, Long Time